


Code 159

by takabayashi



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-19
Updated: 2014-05-09
Packaged: 2018-01-09 07:09:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 18
Words: 22,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1143033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/takabayashi/pseuds/takabayashi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What is like living in a dream? What is like to sleepwalking? What is like to stay in a living hell? What is like to love someone but only say it until the very end? <br/>Nobody is looking out for you.<br/>Nothing is getting any better.<br/>For as long as I can remember,<br/>I've hated you all.<br/>Xo,<br/>The monster you made.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by: Around Your Neck (corporalrivaille)  
> Rated as M for next chapters.

The alarm clock started ringing as it was time for me to get up. I made the horrible loud noise to stop by pressing its buttom lazily.

My head was hurting since i slept at five o'clock last night. Writting lyrics in the middle of the night was something usual for me. When the sun was sleeping and the moon was making its own reflection on my window, was something beautiful for me to watch and just think. Think about how i was feeling that moment. Lost or depressed or maybe both. When i had plenty of problems to cope with, i was just sitting there with my pencil and notebook and writting everything i had in my mind. I was making songs with my feelings. And when one of them, was done. I could sing and realize, my problems was nothing but just thoughts. When i was listening to my voice and guitar singing about my own feelings, i was feeling better. Because, even if i was depressed and those suicide thoughts were killing me inside, i knew that someone out there was feeling worse than i was and when i found this 'someone' i was going to sing them to sleep. 

I always wanted to sing on-stage. Sing to other people my own songs, my own feelings. I wanted to find people who were feeling the same way i was and tell them "Darling, you'll be okay."

Even if i graduated high school, i had no idea what i was going to do with my life. I always wanted to be in a band but, that couldn't happen. I had no clue how to make a band so i decided to focus on my other dream; writing articles in newspapers. I could say i really liked it and finding a job in a magazine or something would be fun too but most of the times, i didn't like it that much. The only thing i knew, i was desperate.

I sat on my butt and looked out of the window. The pouring rain was so depressing. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. "Eren, everything is going to be fine." I said to myself and got up.

I had twenty minutes till i got ready for work when the door bell rang. I got dressed quickly and opened the door.

"Good morning, Eren! I brought you breakfast." Armin said and came in.

"Thanks." I said.

"What's that attitude for? You don't look happy. Look, i brought you donuts with chocolate, your favourite." He said and smiled.

"I'm not in mood, sorry." I said and took the donut in front of me.

"Why? What's wrong?" He said and sat next to me.

"Nothing's wrong. I just didn't sleep very well." I said and smiled to hide my depression.

*

Both me and Armin went to work together since we were working at the same bar. The truth is i was just cleaning there and making drinks for other people. Nothing much. But the money i was getting were pretty enough for me. Armin wasn't complaining either.

When we got there we saw our boss, Mr Smith, talking with a stranger. I thought if Mr Smith was going to hire someone new and the thought of that was terrible.

This man didn't look friendly at all. He was wearing all black. Black shirt, black tight jeans, black boots until his knees and black pencil around his eyes. His hair were black too and he had saved his back of his head. I couldn't notice much because of the distance but of course i could notice his height and his pale skin. He was very short.

I went behind the bar where i was making the drinks and started cleaning some glasses someone had left there. But the real reason i went there was to hear what they were talking about.

" ...i don't know if we can do what you asked us to." The man said.

"Come on, Levi! I'm begging you to perform here. I don't have many customers  and you're the only i know who can help me." Mr Smith said.

"Hah, you need my help now?" Levi said.

"Yes, just please!" Mr Smith said. He sounded really desperate.

"Fine, i'll do it. Not for you. But for me." Levi said.

"Thank you. Wait, i'll bring someone to help you." Mr Smith said and gazed around him. I focuses on what i was doing when i saw him looking at me. "Eren! Come here, please." He said. I left the glasses down.

 "What?" I said like i didn't hear anything.

"Help Levi with his staff and show him the inside rooms." He said and left.

Levi gave me a guitar case and i froze. "Um...are you okay?" Levi said and glared at me.

"Yeah, i'm fine. Do you play guitar?" I said.

"Yes, actually i'm in a band." He said.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you to Sophie who gave me the idea of this chapter! Thank you all of you too, for reading!!  
> I don't have anything to say, just have fun.  
> Also, feedback would be nice too xo

"W-Wow, i play guitar too...it's really awesome, i-i don't say i'm good at it...but i always wanted to be in a band and-" What was wrong with me? I shut my mouth up because i didn't want him to believe that i was just another awkward kid, even if i was.

I took his guitar and showed him the way. When we got there, i put his guitar down carefully. "I hope i didn't break it." I said and bit my lip.

"Nahh, that's fine. Thanks kid." Levi said and opened his guitar case slowly.

A beautiful black electric guitar was in it. It was so bright. Brighter even than the natural color of the sun. The only thought that crossed my mind when i saw it; i wanted to play so badly.

"Um, it will sound weird but, can i play?" I said and bit my lip once again.

He looked at me and raised an eyebrow. "Well, i don't like people touching it but since you said you're playing..." He said and gave it to me carefully.

It only took me a couple of seconds to think of what song to play. I've learnt that song by heart so it was easy for me to impress Levi. That was my goal.

My hands and fingers started playing without asking my permission. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I exhaled slowly. This feeling of freedom was the best feeling i've ever felt. All my problems were gone and for a moment i had forgotten Levi was there.

When i finished playing, i opened my eyes slowly. I saw Levi staring at my hands. I smiled and gave his guitar back.

"Thanks." I said and bit my lip once again. I was about to leave but his question stopped me.

"What's that song?" He said.

"Um, i wrote that song. It's called 'Purple Eyes.'" I said and went until the door.

"It's nice." He said and came closer to me.

"Thanks. Can i ask you something?" I said before i leave.

He nodded and raised an eyebrow. "What's your band's name?" 

"Code 159." He said and put his guitar back at its case.

"And what music do you play?" I said.

"Do you know Placebo?" I nodded and remembered all my favorite songs of that band. "Similar to it."

"You sing too?" I said and stared at his eyes. I wanted to know as many things as i could that moment.

"Yeah." He said and looked down.

"Wow. Um..can you sing me something?" I said and went closer to him.

"No."

"Come on, i bet your voice is beautiful." I said and smiled.

"I don't want to." By his attitude, i realized he wouldn't change his mind so i didn't insist.

"Well, i'll see you on stage tonight so..." I said. I was about to leave when he grabbed my wrist.

"You're really cute." He said.

"Thanks?" I said. I heard my name so i left.

I closed the door behind me quickly when i saw Armin coming.

"Here you are! Mr Smith told us to glue those advertisments out of the store." Armin said and gave me all the advertisments since he was holding the glue.

I followed him without complaining about the hard work before we hadn't even started.

"Where have you been?" He said full of curiosity.

"I-i was helping this guy from the band." I said and glued one on the wall.

"And it took you so long?" He said and raised an eyebrow.

"No, i played his guitar too." I said while i was looking at him trying to reach the advertisment i had just glued.

"You did? Eren!" He said and looked at me confused.

"What? He let me play." I said.

"You just played and left?" He said and raised an eyebrow once again.

"Kind of. We talked too. He said i was cute." I said snd blushed.

"Eren? Do you like him?" He said and looked at me serious.

"What? No, i mean i'm straight, right?" I said.

"Eren, remember my words. It doesn't matter if you're straight or gay but don't let anyone, i repeat _anyone,_ hurt your feelings. Okay?" 


	3. Chapter 3

After two hours of hard work, Armin and I were made to clean the inside tables for the concert. I couldn't complain since Erwin had promised me he wouldn't kick me out of the store if i got drunk during the performance.

Armin hadn't mentioned anything else about Levi, as he realized i wasn't feeling comfortable talking about it. It wasn't that i wasn't feeling comfortable. It's just, i couldn't start talking about him or my feelings as i barely knew Levi.

Armin's phone brought me back to reality. I started at his pocket full of curiosity. He blushed. "Wait a sec." He said and turned around. I kept cleaning silent even thought my ears were ready to hear everything.

"Hey...i'm working right now...tonight? We have the concert so i can't...what?! Like now? Please don't...just try not to come alone...whatever, bye." Armin said and closed the phone. He glared at me full of embarassment. I started at him trying to find out who was on the phone.

"Mikasa and the guys are coming here tonight." He said and bit his lip awkwardly.

"Mikasa was on the phone?" I said and raised an eyebrow. I started thinking if Armin was hiding something.

"Um, yeah." He said and explained he had to go to the kitchen. I watched him walking until the kitchen quickly and then gazed around. I was alone. Completely alone. Not Erwin, not Levi, not even Connie standing behind the bar, making drinks. 

I gazed at the stage and got up sadly, when i realized i couldn't resist to it. I got up and looked at the invisible audience and then at the microphone in front of me. 

I gazed behind me, when my eyes came across Levi's guitar. It was nice to see it again. I came closer to it and then took it in my hands carefully, hoping  Levi wouldn't mind.

I standed in front of the microphone with Levi's guitar in my hands. How beautiful it was standing there alone. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes slowly. My fingers started playing and the feeling of freedom was under   my feet.

I started moving my legs and head with the beat of the guitar's noise. I felt my hair falling down with the rest of my body and before i notice i was sitting on my knees and playing with my hair in my face.

I finished playing and held the guitar close to my body. I opened my eyes but  i couldn't see anything because my hair was in my face. I saw a shadow staring at me. I moved my hair and saw Levi staring at me.

"I-i am sorry about your guitar...i-i couldn't resist." I said.

Levi got up on the stage and took his guitar back. I felt his hand pulling me to get up.

"Thanks." I said and looked at his cigarette between his two lips. He inhaled and then exhaled calmly.

"You're playing very well, kid. Who was your teacher?" He said and inhaled once again.

"Actually, me." I said and bit my lip.

I was looking at his lips and cigarette, the way he was smoking.

He put his guitar back at its case and looked at my lips. I looked down to avoid eye contact with him as i didn't know what else to do.

He finished smoking and then searched his pocket for another cigarette. He put another one between his two lips and kept searching for a lighter.

 I gave him my lighter and he thanked me by a move of his head. Carrying around a lighter even thought i had stopped smoking was something usual to me. I was smoking since i was 15 years old and now i smoked once a week. I could never stop smoking completely. But now, watching Levi smoking made me want a cigarette too.

"Can i have one too?" I said and looked at his cigarette.

"No, you're a kid." He said and inhaled.

"But..i'm not a kid. I'm 19. Do you have one or what?" I said angrily.

"You're still a kid to me but, take mine." He said and gave me his own cigerette.

I didn't complain at all and inhaled calmly. The feeling of freedom came back.

Levi looked at the bar, waiting for Connie. But Connie was probably in the kitchen with Armin.

 I finished smoking quickly. I was so sad again. I felt like i had to smoke again. "Please give me more." I said.

He exhaled in my mouth instead of giving me a cigarette. I exhaled and took a deep breath.

My hand took the cigarette from Levi's lips without asking my permission and before i notice it, i was smoking again.

"Hey, that's mine." Levi whispered. I inhaled and gave it back.

He came closer and exhaled in my mouth once again. That was better than not smoking at all.

I exhaled slowly and before i realize it, Levi pressed his lips to mine.

"Levi , you shouldn't-" he cut me mid-sentence and kissed me harder.

He pushed me away slowly. And looked down while his hands were around my waist.

"Hey Jaeger!" A familiar voice sounded behind me and i smirked.

Levi pulled his hands quickly. I turned around and saw Jean. Hopefully he didn't see anything.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I told him and got down, leaving Levi standing there alone.

"Hey calm down man! I'm looking for Armin." He said and blushed.

"Armin...?" I whispered and sighed. Armin heard my voice and came out of the kitchen.

"Ere-" Armin said when he saw Jean standing in front of me.

"What is he doing here?" I asked Armin. I realized both Armin and Jean were blushing like i caught them stealing or something. "Oh my fucking God! Armin!" I said when i realized everything.

"Eren, Jean and i didn't do anything wrong! I wanted to tell you earlier but you were talking about Levi and-" Armin said until he saw Levi.

I hid my face in my hands to avoid eye contact with everyone. My eyes started crying but i didn't know why. Was i hurt? Afraid? Or just embarassed?

"Eren..." Armin said. "I'm very sorry."

"Does it matter anymore? I've ruined my life already. I just wanted to find this spark of happiness under my ashes but...just." I said.

I didn't know what was wrong with me. I just really needed to stay alone. I pushed Jean to get out of my way and left from the store. I wasn't going home but somewhere far, far away from them until i realize what was wrong with me. Until i find the guts to face Levi the other day. I just started walking, hoping no one was following me...

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jean and Armin are indeed together.  
> If you think Eren is overeacting when he finds it out you'll find out the reason at next chapters.  
> Eren also smokes indeed as he was coping with depression at 15.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new chapter is published every Friday from now and then. Please mind the fact that I DO NOT publish chapters another day, if so, I will inform.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the best thing i've ever written that's why it took me so long to upload, enjoy xo

I started walking quickly but i wasn't running. I couldn't stop my legs from walking and i couldn't avoid my thoughts as they had captured my mind.

_was i overreacting...?_

_  
_The truth was i was happy Armin could open up and tell me everything, because something like that must have been difficult for Armin to tell.

I went to a lonely place-something like an outside place for kids to play- i sat on a bench and took a deep breath. My mind was finally clear and i could  think and solve my problems.

Now that i had the answers i was looking for all along, i couldn't help but to see myself in a different light. A place where everything was black and white and there were no shades of gray in between. It's set in stone and it's now impossible to go back and un-see the truth. This was who i have been all along, buried beneath the facade of who i thought i was.

My thoughts confused me and all these had nothing to do with Armin nor Jean nor Levi. I was feeling lonely but i wasn't alone and that was more depressing.

I wanted to believe my lies. All of them. I wanted to think that this couldn't change anything, but the truth was, it could. It changed the entire way i see myself- i was a disease; a slow eating cancer. That was the truth. And this would never change. This was who i had kept hidden from myself all of these years- so subconsciously at work that i couldn't see myself.

Maybe monsters were real. But i didn't have to think about them like everyone else did, because deep down underneath it all, they were just like me.

 "Eren..." Levi's calm voice brought me back to reality. He offered me a cigarette  and gave me his lighter. "I'm sorry." He said and sat next to me.

"I'm not asking for you to understand or for you to feel sorry, because you won't understand and feeling sorry won't bring peace to my internal pandemonium. I'm asking my mind to file away the clutter and bring some sort of order to the mess that is my brain. I'm asking to let go of the impulses and let go of the constant backseat narration that comes with my every waking moment. I need some sort of serenity. I need undisturbed sleep. And most importantly, i need complete control." I said and exhaled slowly.

"I start to believe, those things have nothing to do with Armin, isn't that right?" He said and stared at me.

I avoided eye contact with him by looking down. I nodded full of embarassment as he noticed i didn't care much about Armin's relationship with Jean. I just waited for the right chance to show to people how i really felt. I _needed_ to open up.

"Levi, i'm tired of these bullshit. I just want to feel free again." I said and held back my tears.

"Close your eyes." He said and kept smoking calmly even though the strong wind could fall everything apart.

I did what he told me to do and opened my eyes slowly after some seconds. "When i close my eyes all i can see is open fields for miles, the leaves ruffling and dancing in the slight breeze. The sun is on my face and a pack of smashed cigarettes hide in my back pocket. I don't know where i am, or where i'm going from here, but all i can hear from somewhere in the distance is 'keep it together'- an infinite track list on repeat" he said while his eyes were still closed.

I knew how that felt. I knew how it was to feel lonely when you were surrounded by careless people. I didn't know the reason he felt that way. Maybe there was something hidden behind his beautiful pale face. Maybe there was a part of himself that it didn't want to appear. Maybe he was just afraid of uncovering his true self. Because he was afraid of getting hurt. People like him, people like us, are just scared to appear their real self as they had found out how it is to stay in the corner alone because you're not accepted by society. Those people are the prettiest. Those people with the low self-esteem are different and unique as they are beautiful inside and out. Society was jealous of those people, that's why it ruined them by not accepting their faith.

"Levi, i know how you feel and you know what? You're beautiful and you deserve happiness more than anyone else in this miserable world. You're special, that's why you feel that way."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter is kind of small but i really needed to deal with Eren's thoughts and i wanted you to know how he really feels.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter I have been waiting to upload for so long! The performance will not end only at this chapter, it'll continue..  
> Have fun XD

Levi and i went back to the store, as it was time for the performance. We didn't talk again, we were just walking silent, avoiding eye contact with each other.

The music was turned up half a rotation on the silver knob. "Volume 25", the display read. Background music. Connie used to control those electric machines, but he always played horrible music. Since Erwin was fine by that...

The instruments on the stage were placed, ready to be played.

The store was full of people having fun and drinking. Many of them looked drunk before the performance hadn't even started

I gazed around and saw Mikasa with Annie and Jean talking with each other. Armin was behind the bar, talking with Jean and blushing.

"I'm going to find Hanji, i'll see you around." Levi said. I nodded sadly and went to sit with the guys.

Armin's eyes widened when he saw me and made Jean stop talking.

"H-Hey...where have you been?" Said Armin.

"It doesn't matter..." I said and started making my own drink, since i had no orders.

"I bet he was with this guy he was kissing earlier..." Said Jean and started laughing full of sarcasm.

"Jean...!!" Said Armin loudly. I ignored Jean's comment and drunk some of my drink. I didn't care if he had seen us earlier. The only thing i cared about was to see Code 159 live.

Suddenly, Levi and a taller brunette woman got up on the stage. Levi took his guitar and standed behind the microphone.

Another woman followed Levi. A woman with orange hair. The three of them were wearing black clothes and they took their places with their instruments. 

The brunette was playing electric guitar and did the extra vocals and the other one drums. Levi did the main vocals and was playing bass instead of guitar.

Both of the women smiled to the audience happily, but Levi didn't even glare at them.

Bass started pounding through the subwoofers and the guitar added melody, a machine gun ensembled of kick drum and chugging guitar riffed. Jean was trying to tell a story, but i couldn't hear anything over the chorus melody. Mid sentence, he stops and asks " who are all these people?" 

Glancing around the room at all these faces, they looked distored in the dim lightning. Like hollow shadows you couldn't get out of your dreams, or the warped, nightmarish features people acquired when you were having a bad acid trip. Giving it a second thought, i decided to drink instead of making small talk. "I don't know." I said. Jean looked drunk so none of us paid attention to what he was saying.

I drunk some of my drink and started at Levi. Beautiful song. It was exactly what i was expecting to be. The thought of when i said 'Levi' was standing in fronf of me, proving its perfection.

Jean's elbow brought me back to reality and hit me. "You see those girls over there?", looking over his shoulder and pointing at a pair of girls in our age. My head nodded. The roof of my mouth was dry against my tongue and every taste-bud scraped along like i was licking rocks. Swallowing, words tried to come out but it's just slurred garbling. "Alright, come with me." Said Jean. He pulled me and left Armin looking at us full of curiosity.

I was following quick behind, almost stepping on his heels so i didn't lose him in the crowd of people. It's not that the room was overly crowded, i was just drunk enought to get lost if i didn't focus. "Jean, i don't want to-" i said but he cut me mid sentence. 

When we approach the two, they were just standing in the middle of the room talking to each other, holding their mixed drinks. There was a taller than me girl with brown hair and brown eyes and the other one, shorter than ever Levi, she had blond hair and blue eyes. They were both wearing skirts and dangly necklaces. One had an owl and the other one, a locket.

Jean introduced himself and then me. He was trying to play suave. Like he had done that before. He gave his puppy dog eyes a few times while they were talking and nodding his head to one side to pretend like he was interested. He told them that we go to med school and that we were both aspring neurologists. "Do you know what a neurologist even is?" My whisper was subtle and Jean didn't hear. 

After some minutes he ended up talking with the girls, Ymir and Crista about how much he works out. I excused myself and went back to the bar since i had noticed, Levi was glaring at me...

_Was he jealous...?_


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much about the feedback. It's really good for me to know someone actually reads it. It helps me go on and it's very inspiring. I love you all ^_^
> 
> I changed the story of this chapters three times and I ended up uploading the best one. You can ask me if you don't understand something or if you want me to describe it's character's personality because I think that's helpful sometimes. Plus, you can suggest me your finish of this fan fiction or anything you'd like me to know.  
> Enjoy XD

"Where's Jean?" said Armin when he saw me. I raised my eyebrows by the sound of his voice. I drunk some of my drink and try to stop my headache and the feeling of nausea.  _That's it, i'm completely drunk._

 _  
_"i-I don't know...i lost him." i lied. I knew i had lied to my best friend. But i did it just because i didn't want him to know what Jean was doing. Plus, i wasn't in mood to be responsible for the whole situation.

I closed my eyes and tried to stand still. The whole place was moving so fast and the music was so loud that it made me throw up. It literally did. I run to the bathroom and closed the door behind me quickly. My stomach was empty after i threw up but i wasn't going to eat or drink until morning. I wasn't hungry, i was just lost and my head hurt so much that i wanted to punch myself in a wall so as to stop the pain and fall asleep.

Suddenly, everything was black and i felt a hand pulling me to get up. I saw a figure whispering my name and trying to regain my consciousness but i was completely numb. The warmth of a body holding me tight was familiar and the whisper was fading away as i closed my eyes hard and never opened them again.

*

_Eren... Eren...please open your eyes...just please..._

_  
_A warm hand was holding my hand so tight like it wanted to stop the blood from coming out. The feeling of being surrounded by everyone made my skin even colder than ever before. The smell of pure medication and clean room captured me and told me to wake up. My eyes opened slowly.

_Eren...don't..._

_  
_Mikasa was the owner of the warm hand, holding me tight. Sore throat, tears in the eyes and the feeling of being gone forever, were hidden behind her pale face. Armin was standing behind Mikasa his face hidden behind his hands.

Silence.

No one hadn't notice, i was awake. Or wasn't i? I moved my hand Mikasa was holding. She raised her head and widened her eyes when she saw me. 

"Eren!'' said Mikasa and hugged me. Armin came closer when he heard her, surprised.

''Where am i?'' I said trying to know what was going on.

"You're at the hospital. You passed out in the bathroom." Armin said and gave me a  supporting smile.

I gazed around. No people, no music, no stage, no Levi. Just a clean white room.

"How did i even get here?" I said and took a deep breath.

"Levi found you so..." Said Armin and looked down awkwardly.

I glared at Mikasa. She was silent, trying to hide her feelings. But i knew exactly how she felt.  _Angry._

 _  
_I closed my eyes and tried to remember. Nothing. A dark puzzle memory of nausea, headache and the horrible taste of alcohol.

*

"Are you sure you can work? Cause i don't want you to throw up on other people's drinks!" Said Erwin when he saw me back to the bar.

"I'm fine!" I said angrily. I opened Erwin's office door. 

Suddenly, i crashed with someone when i turned around since i was looking down. I looked at the man. Levi.

"Fuck!" Said Levi and held his head to stop the pain.

"I-i'm sorry...i didn't-"

"Never mind. Umm, can you...move?" He said and showed me Erwin's door.

I realized i was staring at him. I took my eyes off him. "Actually, i can't. We need to talk." I said and pulled his wrist.

"Hey, kid!" He said and try to set his wrist free, but i was stronger and pulled him to the inside rooms.

I pushed him in. I closed the door and locked it behind me.

"Hey, man, what the fuck are you doing?" Levi said and tried to move me out of the way and unlock the door.

"I said we need to talk." 

"Talk about what? If you want to break up with me you could have said so." He said and stopped trying to leave.

"What? No, i just wanted to thank you for finding me last night. And for letting me play with your guitar the other day." I said and looked down. He came closer to me, so close that i could feel his breath on my neck.

He grabbed my wrist and pressed his lips to mine. "So, you won't break up with me?" 

"Of course not." I whispered. "Wait, what?" 

He kissed my neck and then my collarbone. I pulled him closer and put my hands around his waist.

"Hey...i need your help at something." He whispered and pressed his lips to mine once again.

"What is it?" I said and took off his shirt.

"Could you play guitar for my band? We need another guitarist since Mike left." Levi said and kissed me. I froze.

"Wha...what?" I said and pushed him away slowly. "You want me to play for your band? Like concerts and stuff?!" I said and widened my eyes full of surprise.

"Yeah...actually we need you mostly about the tour." He said calmly and raised an eyebrow.

"Tour..?" 

"Stop repeating, it's creepy. So yes or no?" He said and his facial expression turned out to be normal again. And by normal, i mean Levi's normal.

"Oh my fucking God! Of course i want to! That's the best thing ever!" I said happily. "Thank you." I whispered and hugged him.

He pressed his lips to mine and said "You have to learn how to play the songs." He said and took a tiring breath.

"Teach me." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P.S. A new chapter comes out every FRIDAY.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much about all these feedback you have sent me so far! I really love it guys when i know someone actually enjoys it as well!  
> Do not forget you can suggest me whatever you want, i read and reply at everything you send.
> 
> So this chapter isn't something important i'd say. Just an usual cute Ereri chapter. Do not be mad at Levi for leaving so quickly but mind the fact that Eren knows nothing about Levi's personal life. I won't spoil you anything even if i know the end, i just would like you to know that there's something Levi tries to hide from Eren. Just that, i promise. 
> 
> Thank you all again, see ya next Friday xo

_Eren...wake up..._

I opened  my eyes slowly. A spark of light lit up my room and made me feel like home. Such a beautiful morning. Sunday. I had a day-off.

I looked out of the window and took a deep breath. The trees were dancing to the wind and the clouds were dark. No one was walking down the street.

I glared to my alarm clock to make sure it was too early. 06:00 AM.

I pulled my blanket and hid my face. I was freezing to bone.

"Eren?" 

I froze by the sound of my name and stayed still.

Suddenly, a hand captured my waist and was put around me.

I sat on my butt and looked under my blanket. 

I saw Levi laying next to me, looking very sleepy.

His eyes were closed and his hands were trying to find some heat.

I covered him with another blanket, wondering how he came here.

I laid next to him, waiting for him to wake up and explain.

He pulled me closer while his eyes were still closed and hid his face under my blanket.

Levi opened his eyes and looked at me.

I raised an eyebrow full of curiosity.

"I will explain. I promise." He said and hugged me. "But not now, I'm tired." He said and yawned.

He fell asleep and left me alone thinking of how he had found my house or how he had entered in. And most importantly why.

*

Things changed. Sometimes there's not a whole i could do about it. Being able to adapt and grow along with the twists and turns that come with time was one of the only things i could do to live through chaos.

To keep my head above water when the tide was pulling me under. Everything was impermanent. And people stayed the same as much as they didn't. Sometimes I completely lost sight of who I was because I thought I was doing the right thing. Was I doing the right thing now? Deep down I knew what was best for me, better than anyone else did. Nothing was coincidence, synchronicity would  attest to that. Every moment in life was an opportunity to make me a better person. Because it was impossible to grow without struggle. 

"As Ville Valo once said: 'You can't enjoy heaven without the occasional glimpse of hell.' " Levi brought me back to reality while I was making coffee.

I blinked two times, trying to understand his words.

"I want my coffee sweet enough." He said and gave me a mug.

I obeyed and gave him the mug back.

"Thanks." Levi said and sat on the coffee table.

"So...why are you here?" I said and sat opposite to him.

Levi drunk some of his extremely sweet coffee, trying not to burn his tongue.

"I needed to talk to you last night, when you left the store so i followed you." He said and drunk again carefully.

"Talk to me about what?" I said and raised an eyebrow.

"I-i don't really remember." He said and drunk again.

"Oh."

I glared at his eyes, following his stare and then I realised he was staring at my guitar.

"May you play?" He said and pointed at my guitar.

"No, sorry. I'm not in mood." I smiled sadly.

Levi kept drinking his coffee silent.

*

"What are all these?" Levi said holding some papers he had found on my desk.

"Heyy, you can't read them! They're personal items!" I said and took them quickly so as not to read them. Those were my lyrics. And by lyrics i mean deep feelings i had written down and made songs. Levi was the last person i'd like him to read.

He raised an eyebrow and looked at me full of sarcasm. "I didn't know you are writting a diary. It's kind of creepy for a 19 year old boy."

"It's not a diary!!" I said angrily.

"Yeah, i see"

Levi took my guitar and sat down on the floor. He closed his eyes and then opened them in between two seconds. His hands started playing a melody by heart. His facial expression, cold full of emptyness, looking down. His eyes were frozen.

Suddenly, he stopped playing and stared at me. "I forgot the rest of it." He said and bit his lip.

I widened my eyes. I couldn't believe he had forgotten his own song.

"Wait, isn't it one of the songs you played the other day?" I said.

He nodded. "Give me." i said and took my guitar.

Levi looked curious and anxious.  I tried to remember the song he had played. The move of his hands while he was playing and of course the rest of it. Since i had no idea how to play like a proffesional and no one was willing to teach me how to when i was younger, i started playing in my own way. I looked how the move of the hand was and what melody it came from it and played that way.

I remembered the whole song and played it in front of Levi, leaving him speechless.

When i finished, i took a breath of relief and looked at Levi. He was staring at my hands.

"How do you do that?" Said Levi.

"Honesty? This is how i play. I have no idea how to play like a normal person." I said and smiled full of embarassment.

"This is so difficult and i don't even know how to teach you the songs of the band." He said kind of sadly.

I looked down desperately. "I'm sorry, i never actually played normally." I said and bit my lip.

"Nahh, i'll see what i can do." Said Levi and came closer.

He laid on the guitar so as to reach my face and kiss me slowly. I put my guitar on my bed and kissed him harder. I felt his hand around my neck pulling me closer while i pressing my lips to his. He kissed me harder, feeling his tongue trying to find mine. I kissed his neck when he pushed away slowly and whishpering a word, sounded like 'enough' but he kept trying to resist my neck kisses. "Okay." He said and got up.

"Umm...are you okay?" I said, still sitting down on the floor.

"Yeah, i'm fine. I just remembered i need to do something. I'm sorry." He said and left my room. I followed him and realised he wanted to leave.

"Hey, Levi." i said and grabbed his wrist before he opened the door and left. "Did i do anything wrong?"

"N-No, i just...have to leave. I'm sorry."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P.S. Do not forget a new chapter comes out every FRIDAY!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much about all these feedback you have sent me so far xxx
> 
> This chapter is bigger than the others because it's really important! Enjoy xxx

 A week after sleeping with Levi, we hadn't talked at all. Not even a 'hello' or a polite 'good morning'. Maybe he was just busy, one part of my mind thought. Maybe he's just not insterested anymore. I promised myself i wouldn't be the one who would talk first. Besides, Levi should have explained about what had happened that made him leave without knowing the reason. I wasn't going to look weak. _Not this time._

My nights at the bar had no meaning anymore. My life started changing to a routine again. A boring one. I was tired of the same old things. Sleep, bar and food were the only words that could describe me this week.

"Hey, Eren. Would you like to go out someday? You look kind of...uhmm...empty?" Said Armin while we were on the way home.

  _Empty._ That was the word i was looking for. I was full of emptyness and i had no idea how to make myself better.  _Does it even matter anymore?_

"Empty?" I repeated. "I don't think so. I'm just tired." 

*

I opened the door of my apartment. Finally alone. I threw my phone and keys at the coach and moved my feet to the kitchen to get me a hot coffee. Opening the cupboard, i realised i had run out of sugar.

"Thanks, Levi. And your fucking sweet coffee." I said loudly.

I took a deep breath and laid on the coach, feeling my stomach empty.

The noise of my phone made my eyes widen.  _Levi??_

I remembered myself Levi didn't know my phone number. But that didn't mean he could't have it. Besides, he already knew where my house was. I unlocked my phone screen and saw a message from Mikasa.

" _Eren, i need your help. I have to do some something at Annie's house. She needs me but no one is here to keep the store for me. Can you come and keep it open for a couple of hours?"_

 _"_ Mikasa i just came back from work! And i'm fucking tired, call somebody else." I texted back and closed my eyes. I took my cigarettes from the coffee table and lit one, putting it between my lips and inhaling slowly.

The reply from Mikasa came quicklier than i thought it would.

_"Eren, please, i asked Armin but he is with Jean. Just come already. I have to leave!"_

I thought i didn't have another choise and Mikasa sounded really desperately, asking me to keep the store was something amazing from me, since Mikasa had a guitar shop full of coffee.

I texted back an okay. I took all my things and moved my feet again.

*

"Okay, what is the reason you want  _me_ to keep the store?" I asked full of sarcasm when i entered the shop and saw Mikasa getting ready to leave.

"Just shut up and do it." She said loudly and put her scarf around her neck.

"Um, i guess i don't want to do it anymore. I'm going home." I said and turned around.

"Fuck you Eren." Said Mikasa and left leaving me alone with the guitars.

I went to the coffee machine and started making my own coffee. I standed behind the desk and looked out of the door made of glass, the sun leaving his last spark for tonight and saying 'good night' to everyone before he hid behind the horizon and be replaced by the moon.

I took a deep breath and took my hot coffee. I was freezing to death and my coffee was my only heat.

"Excuse me, could you help me a little bit?"  A brunette woman asked politely. I noticed her pale face and her beautiful green eyes behind her glasses. Her face looked familiar.

"Of course." I said and smiled. "What can i do?"

"I have ordered a specific electric guitar but i haven't got it yet and the younger lady told me that i will get it in between one week." The brunette said.

"Let me see." I said and opened the orders file- Mikasa had showed me. "Your name please?"

 "Hanji Zoe." 

I typed her name and her order came up on the screen. "Your guitar is actually ready and it would be delivered tomorrow evening." I said and smiled.

"Tomorrow evening?" She repeated. "I can't do that. I need this before tomorrow evening! May i take it now?" 

"I'm afraid you can't." I said sadly.

"What?? Why can't i?" Said Hanji angrily.

"The rules of the orders says that all orders must be delivered the exact time and date." I said. I wasn't lying. Mikasa had written it on the computer.I was just doing my job, well, Mikasa's job.

"Oh my, please, i need this now or else..." Said Hanji and looked down frozen.I raised my eyebrows when i heard this voice.

"Hanji?" I widened my eyes by the sound of her name and tried to find its source by gazing around. 

Levi came holding a guitar in his hands. He looked at me with empty eyes .

"Hanji...are you ready?We need to get going." Levi said and put the guitar on my desk.

"No! I'm not ready! The kid over here says i can't take my guitar until tomorrow evening!!" Hanji said angrily.

Levi started at my eyes. "I'm sorr-"

"If you were sorry you would give it!!" She cut me mid sentence and screamed.

"Hanji, calm down." Levi said. "I want my coffee sweet enough." I widened my eyes. He gave me money for the coffee and waited.

I tried to find my words but tears came in my eyes. I held them back and nodded. How could he? How could he ignore me like that?

"Levi!! We didn't come here to drink coffee!" Hanji said loudly.

I turned around to make his coffee while Hanji was yelling at Levi.

"Don't worry Hanji. " Levi said and drunk some of his coffee when i gave him. "Besides, he owns the guitar." He said and pointed at me.

"What?" Hanji said.

"This is Eren." Levi said and drunk some of his coffee, trying to avoid not to burn his tongue.

Hanji widened her eyes and stared at mine. "And why the fuck didn't you tell me earlier?" Hanji told me and smiled like nothing had happened.

I raised my eyebrows. "I don't really know..." i said.

"Don't worry! I know everything about you! We will have a great time together! You're going to love our band!! I'm Hanji, nice to meet you Eren!" She said and shook my hand a couple of times.

"You know everything about me?" I repeated full of curiosity.

"Yeah! I know about the way you play guitar and that you work at Erwin's bar and that you write a diary." She said happily.

"I don't write a diary!!" I said angrily and looked at Levi.

"Yeah, right." He said and drunk some of his coffee carefully.

"I know about your friend, Armin and his boyfriend, Jean, and of course your sister Mikasa! Ohh, i even know the way you sleep and how you hid your face under the blan-"

"Enough." Levi cut her mid sentence. Hanji said too many things. Things i wasn't sure if Levi would like to know. Things completely not important and things Levi had found out on his own.

"Levi." I said.

"What?"

"Why did you leave the other day?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P.S. A new chapter comes out every FRIDAY!!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for giving me strength and support to move on. You guys have inspired me so much! Enjoy xxx  
> TRIGGER WARNING. Please be careful!

Everything starts with the usual question.  _"When did all happen?"_ I didn't really remember myself replying on that.

Actually, there wasn't a start. I was born with brain imbalance. There are many different kinds. But mine came out in depression. I had been like that since the day I remember myself breathing. 

The second I took my first breath; my brain wanted its last.

However, my depression didn't cause trouble to my childhood. I grew up normally, until I was twelve.

After being bullied over the years I was in middle and high school, I finally graduated. I thought I would be fine when I would graduate; but nothing really changed. 

Not only my depression and anxiety remained, but also I started feeling suicidal.

Mikasa was always telling me to visit a therapist but I refused to do that. Until today. The day after new scars were on my wrist over the last ones; which had faded over the years. That was when Mikasa forced me to go.

"I still don't want to go. I don't need help from a stranger." I said calmly, almost whispering, enjoying the breeze of an ordinary afternoon of winter.

"Eren" Mikasa whispered annyoned. "Seven years. Seven years feeling depressed. Aren't you even tired anymore?" She asked.

She stopped walking and forced me to stop by squeezing my hand and pulling me. I was surprised by her little pause and stared at her.

 "Eren. I just want you to be okay. Your depression has caused so many problems, not only to you but also the people who love you. For once in your life, stop being so selfish." She said loudly and kept walking.

"You still have no idea..I can't believe you still don't care! Just...open your eyes for once! Try to understand how I feel for one minute! Try to be me for one minute! I'm tired of these bullshits, indeed, but i will never recover. No matter what i do. No matter how hard i try to stop hurting my family, i can't stop. I know nothing about love, family, happiness and fun; but the only thing i know is how to accept my problems! Yes, I am depressed and yes, I want to kill myself and yes, I want to feel useful for once but no. I would never. Because I know how painful it is." I said in between sobs. I was crying.

"Eren! Grow up! Please, try to understand." She said, looking around to make sure no one was looking at us as I was crying.

"Try to understand?Understand what? Your pain?" I said angrily almost yelling. "Just, leave me alone. I'm tired of everything!" I finished and walked away, leaving Mikasa speechless.

I started walking to Erwin's bar, turning my head around from time to time to make sure she wasn't following me.

I took my cigarettes from the back pocket of my black jeans and lit up one when I realized it started to rain.

"Fuck." I whispered and exhaled slowly. I put on my hoodie and kept walking fastly.

When I arrived to the store and got in, no one was there since it wasn't open.

I took a breath of relief and made a drink for me. The bar would open in one hour so I had plenty of full time. I drunk some of my drink when I realized the stage was empty. I widened my eyes and run to the inside rooms. Empty. 

I wandered where were all the instruments and equipment of the band and kept smoking, hoping they would be back.

Suddenly, the door of the bar opened slowly and a pretty short woman with orange hair walked in looking around when her gaze met me.

She smiled awkwardly. "Is it Eren?" She asked politely.

I nodded.

"I was looking for you. Umm, I'm Petra and I play drums for Code 159." Said Petra and shook my hand.

"Oh, nice to meet you but, why were you looking for me?" I wandered and raised an eyebrow.

"You have to come with me. Levi gave orders." She said and smiled.

"Orders?" 

She nodded and smiled. I realized Petra was the only normal person in this band and I kind of felt sorry for her. 

She walked away and gave me a sign to follow her. I obeyed and locked the bar when we left. A car was waiting for us. She opened the door next to the driver and she sat on the back. I realized Levi and Hanji were in the car as well. I smiled at Levi who was sitting on the driver's seat and said 'hi' to Hanji by turning my head.

"Awhh!That's the first time we are all together!!" Hanji said loudly and looked at Levi who had already started driving, ignoring Hanji's comment.

"Umm, where are we going?" I said to Levi and bit my lip.

"At your place." Said Levi without taking his eyes off the road.

"Wait, what?" 

"You heard him!" Hanji said and kissed my cheek.

I widened my eyes full of curiosity.

"Hanji, stop that!" Petra said and elbowed her.

Hanji replied with an evil smile and looked at Levi. "I hope you don't mind kissing him huh?" Said Hanji and laughed.

Levi must have noticed I was blushing. "Nah, as long it's not on the lips."

Hanji started laughing while I was trying to hide my embarrassment.

I looked at Petra and gave her a supporting smile. 

"Here we are!" Hanji said and got out off the car quickly. The rest of us followed. We were indeed at my place.

"What are we doing here?" I asked Petra since she was the only person I can understand.

"We are going to leave on tour and you have to pack your staff." Petra said and smiled.

"Wait what?"

"You heard her." Levi said and unlocked the door of _my_  house with some keys i had never seen before.

 They all got in leaving me speechless. Levi raised an eyebrow. I pulled his wrist. "Where did you get those keys?" I asked him while Petra and Hanji were exploring my house.

Levi ignored my question and looked at my wrist. I had forgotten my scars. I widened my eyes.

"No...Levi." I said and looked down.

"I had expected that. You didn't look very good these days. And of course i noticed you were obviously crying." He said and raised my chin to look him in his eyes. We were staring at each other for two whole minutes. 

"I'm sorry." I said.  

"Eren, what's going on?" Levi said.

"N-Nothing, i'm just tired." 

"Stop using that as an explanation and stop lying."

"You know I could never lie to you."

"And then why are you lying now?"

"I'm not lying, I'm just hiding the truth."

"It's the same."

"It's not."

"If you don't tell me you'll never play guitar on stage."

"Is that a threat?"

"It is."

"You have found out so many things on your own, why don't you search for it?".

"I want to hear it from you."

"So if I tell you I'll come to the tour and play guitar?"

"Exactly."

"I'll tell you if you tell me something I don't know."

"Deal."

"Honestly? I'm thinking of killing myself. What about you?"

"I love you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P.S. A new chapter comes out every FRIDAY!!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I uploaded this chapter earlier than usual since I had some free time. I hope you guys like that. Enjoy xxx

"But, Levi, you just-"

Hanji cut me midsentence and appeared from nowhere.

"Eren!! C'mon!" Hanji said and pulled me so hard my hand would have been red after all that. I changed my attitude to nothing-had-happened-i-promise and tried to smile at her who was now dragging me through the hallway and then to my room.

Hanji and I got in my room and I heard the door closing quickly while I raised my eyebrows to realize we were now locked in.

"Hanji, what are you-"

"Shut the fuck up and listen to me!" She cut me once again. I stared at her scarily and realized she looked more serious than ever. I remembered myself that Hanji looked insane most of the time but I barely knew her so I couldn't know what she wanted from me.

I was silent and looked down, waiting for her to start yelling at me for opening up to Levi.

"Can you keep your hands off Levi? Look, I'm not your mother or something but you really didn't like to see the Levi who is hiding from you. You barely know both of me and Levi but you don't have the right to mess everything up." She took a breath of relief and sat on my bed hiding her face behind her hands. "I don't want to see Levi like he used to be again. It is an experience I can't forget no matter how much I want to. You barely understand but I really can't say more. If Levi wants to tell you he will. Just be patient, okay? And stop opening up to him. Your problems are very familiar to him, that's why he has helped you so far. You're so alike and Levi is trying to avoid making the same mistakes and ruining your life. He may likes you but you shouldn't. He may loves you but you shouldn't. He may needs you but you shouldn't. Stop. Just stop and you will inderstand later." 

She kept looking down with frozen eyes. Just waiting.

"What is even going wrong with him?" I said and stared at her, trying to find out more things about Levi.

"What do you mean?" She asked confuzed and got up.

"What are his problems? His reasons for being like this?"

"Honey, just because i know him more years than you do, doesn't mean i know everyrhing about him. Ask him about himself. He won't reply quickly but he will understand you want to know. " Hanji said and tap my shoulder. She opened the door and gave me a supporting smile before she lost on the hallway.

I gazed at my empty room. One week. One week until my dream come true.

*

"Don't you want to say good bye to your friends and family?" Asked Petra when she saw me having finished packing.

 "Um, no. It's fine." I said while I was thinking about my conversation I had with Mikasa earlier and about Armin who would probably hate me for leaving like this.

Levi raised his eyebrow when he heard my reply. I looked down quickly to avoid staring at him trying to find an answer.

"So, we are ready to go? Cause we'll miss our flight if we are not." Said Hanji and looked at her watch and then Levi who was giving orders.

 Levi nodded and got out following by Petra, Haji and then me who waited to lock the door and try not to forget my apartment.

I smiled before I closed the door decidedly and locked it with a quick move of my hand. I took a deep breath before I heard that voice.

"Are you okay?" Asked Levi. His voice made my eyes look down fill with empty ness and stand still.

"Umm, yeah." I said and turned around holding my suitcase and my guitar case.

"What's wrong? You regret it?" He asked calmly.

"No. Well not yet. I just have a strange feeling that i will never come back." I said and avoided looking him at the eyes.

"Why are you always doing this?" 

"Huh?"

"Why do you avoid looking at me?" Asked Levi and raised my chin.

"I just, can't." I moved his hand and looked down scared, because his eyes were shinning more than ever before and i couldn't stand the light.

"Tsk."

 "What?" I asked eventually looking him in the eyes and raised an eyebrow.

"I'm sorry."

"What for?" I asked confused and looked around to make sure Hanji wasn't looking.

"For everything. Just accept it it's going to be the last."

I smiled innocently and looked down once again. I felt his warmth coming closer as he was trying to reach my lips.

_He may likes you but you shouldn't. He may loves you but you shouldn't. He may needs you but you shouldn't. You will understand soon. Just be patient, okay? If he wants to tell you he will. You don't want to see the Levi who is hiding from you._

"Levi." I whispered and looked down to avoid his lips.

He raised his eyebrow and looked at me confuzed.

"I'm sorry, i can't do that. I just." I said and failed holding back my tears. I wiped my cheek quickly so as not to notice it.

"What is going on? You were fine earlier, weren't you? Did Hanji-" He said and looked at the car.

"No! No, Hanji has nothing to do with it." I covered her.

 "Stop covering her! It's all her fault. Don't listen to her, okay? She seriously has no idea."

I nodded still having no idea to who I should count or trust. Hanji would probably be kidding or Levi was just trying to cover himself.

"Didn't I apologise earlier?" Asked Levi. I raised my eyebrow as I watched Levi biting his nails. I moved his hand from his mouth and filled his lips with mine. 

"You're an asshole." Said Levi and kissed me again as our tongues were exploring each other's mouth. I smiled onto the kiss and made Levi widen his eyes. 

Even when i found the guts to look him in the eyes, i knew that Hanji was going to kill me. If she ever found out.

"I will explain about Hanji, okay?" 

"You don't have to if you don't want to. I can wait forever." I said and smiled when I realized Levi was almost smiling.

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so i realized that the chapters will be more than i had expected and this is really tiring.  
> Plus, if you hadn't noticed the next chapters are going to be more interesting since everything starts making sense from now on.
> 
> Thank you al so much for reading and liking it. It means a lot :) see ya next Friday xxx

"Eren? Wake up. A calm voice inside my head was whispering to a beautiful and unexpected tone. I ignored it by closing my eyes even more tightly. "Eren!" Now the voice was almost annoyed by my reaction. I opened my eyes decidely and looked at the owner of the voice, Petra.

"Umm, good morning?" I asked and looked around to realize i was in the car, sleeping on Petra's shoulder. 

"No, i don't think so." Said Petra and hid her smile behind her sleeve. "It's 8 P.M.!" I looked out of the window when i realized the car wasn't moving. I gazed around to find Hanji and Levi who were missing.

"Oh, where's everyone?" 

"They went inside to check out our flight." She said and pointed at the airport. "While they left me here to wake you up and get inside but you were too cute when you were sleeping so i didn't want to bother you." She finished and looked down blushing.

I scratched the back of my hair and bit my lip. "Oh, well, why don't we go inside then?" I said avoiding looking at her.

Petra nodded and opened the door.

When we went inside we were shocked by the amount of people who were walking around, trying to get ready for their flight or saying good bye to their loved ones. "How are we supposed to find them?" Asked Petra looking dramatically tired before we hadn't even started searching.

"I'll call Levi." I said decidely and took my phone from my back pocket.

Petra looked at me impressed and confuzed. "You know his phone number?" She asked and raised her eyebrows. _Oh._

"No, don't  _you_ have it?" I widened my eyes when i realized that 1) i never asked for his phone number and 2) i had no idea where we were going with the airplane.

"Of course not! No one has it! He never gives his phone number." 

"Really?" She nodded. "Hey, do you know where are we going?"

"What?"

"Where is our flight?" I asked and bit my lip when i realized how awkward that must have sounded.

"London." Said Petra and raised her eyebrow.

"Hey you guys!!!" Hanji's voice made both of us take a breath of relief. As Hanji and Levi were approaching, i realized Petra was right. Levi never gave me the chance to ask about his phone number and that meant that he didn't know how important that was. Or at least he didn't want me to have it. But why didn't Petra have it? Why didn't he give it to nobody? What was his goal? Disappear one day and no one can trace him? That didn't make any sense. Nothing made any sense. 

"What did it take you so long?" Asked Petra.

"We were stuck on the queue. Nothing much. We're leaving in ten minutes. Are you hungry?" Said Hanji and gave me a cup of hot coffee before i had the chance to reply.

I thanked her by a move of my head and drunk some of it avoiding burning my tongue.

"Can i smoke in here?" Asked Levi and looked around.

"Of course not. You see this?" Said Hanji and showed a sign in which those huge red letters reminded you mustn't smoke inside. I wandered how i didn't notice it earlier.

"Fuck." Said Levi and drunk some of his own coffee.

_"Attention please. The flight DP-64 for London is about to take off. Go to section 7 at the check-in for those who wants to go abroad. Thank you. Have a nice and safe flight."_

"That's our flight. Do you have the tickets?" Asked Hanji.

"Yeah."Echoed the others.

*

"I-I'm afraid of heights. And especially a-airplanes." Said Petra and looked at me almost shaking.

The seat i was sitting to was next to the window and it made me wonder that Petra said that when she was next to me.

"Don't worry everything is going to be fine, i promise." I said and smiled innocently.

"Thanks." She said and blushed.

Suddenly, my phone started ringing and made Hanji turn her head and look at me. I blushed and took it from my back pocked.

"Yes?"

_"Where the hell are you?!?! I was calling you for about hours but you didn't pick it up! Are you still at Erwin's bar??"_

"Sorry Mikasa, i should have called you earlier but i totally forgot. Uhmm, i'm not at the bar, actually i'm not home either..."

_"Where are you then? Please tell me you are at the hospital cause you were beaten up!"_

"No! I told you no more fights!"

_"Yeah, but who said i believed you plus i-Wait a sec! Please tell me you're not with this Levi guy."_

"Actually i-Whoah! How do you know that?"

_"Armin. And of course i know. You think i hadn't noticed how you were acting those last days?"_

"You're an asshole."

_"I may be an asshole but i'm not the one who's gay and never told it to my brother."_

"For fuck's sake! I'm not gay!" All of a sudden, i realized how loudly i was talking and that everyone had been looking at me. Levi didn't look surprised at all. "What do you want from me, Mikasa?"

_"I want to know where are you."_

"I'm on the airplane and i'm going to London with some friends of mine, okay? Mikasa, i'm going to complete my dream."

_"Eren. Are you nuts? You will never complete your dream!"_

"Of course i will."

_"No you won't. Eren! Your dream is impossible to complete. You will never make it happen. Grow up and get over it for fuck's sake!"_

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally! Chapter 12. It took me a lot to write this as i tried to make larger chapters.  
> Okay, so, this is the start of Eren's mistakes. And it's kind of important. Please be careful it may be triggering.  
> That's all, see ya next Friday :D

"Mikasa, why do you say all those things? It hurts."

_"Of course it hurts! You really are deceived. How can you trust them when you barely know them? You will never be able to make your dream come true. You know why? Because it's stupid! Your dream is the most stupid thing i've ever heard!"_

Torn into pieces. 

Mikasa was right. How could i trust Levi when i didn't even have his phone number? Even if i wasn't able to make it happen, wasn't she supposed to give me strength and support? Mikasa was the only family i had left and now she looked like she hated me.

I ended the call and looked down, trying to hold back my tears, even if i knew that was impossible to happen. "Eren, why are you crying?" Asked Petra. By her question, Hanji and Levi turned around to check us out, while i was struggling to look like nothing had happened.

"Come with me. Now." Ordered Levi and standed up. 

"But Levi...you mustn't get up when the airpl-" 

"I don't care." Levi cut Hanji mid sentence. He looked really angry and i was scared to talk to him. I got up and closed my eyes tightly. Levi grabbed my wrist and started walking."Levi, where are we-" "For God's sake, Eren. Be quiet for once."

He dragged me until we got to airplane's bathroom and then let my wrist go. He stared at my eyes for almost a minute and eventually asked "What's going on?" 

"Nothing, i just had some problems with Mikasa." I said and looked down.

"What did she say? I'm not going to be here for ever." Asked Levi and wiped my cheek with his sleeve. 

"Well, she said that i will never be able to make my dream come true, because it's stupid." I said surprised  by his move. 

"And what's your dream?" He asked.

"Be in the band with you for ever and be famous." I said and blushed because it was, indeed, stupid.

"Do you know why are we going to London?" I nodded. "We are going on a tour. Do you know what that means? It means that you're already in the band with us. I don't know if you will be able to be famous, but you have already made one of them come true." 

"Thank you." I said and blushed once again. I hid my face behind my long sleeve when he grabbed my hand and pressed his lips to mine.  "Levi. I think i'm in love with you." I whispered.

"No. Don't say that. Just because i confessed first, doesn't mean i want you to feel sorry or something." He said and pushed away slowly.

"It has nothing to do with this. Just. Never mind." I said and turned around to open the door. All of a sudden, he pushed the door and grabbed my wrist once again.

"You can't leave until you tell me."

"I just don't think this is fair. I'm not gay."

"Do you know what being gay even means?" He asked and raised an eyebrow. I nodded sarcastically. "Well, think about it and tell me later." He finished and opened the door.

"Wait, what that supposed to mean?" I asked almost whispering.

"It means that i still believe you're gay, you just don't like the term." He left me speechless. I knew he was right. But it was too hard for me to admit. What would mum say if she ever found out? Mikasa had already discovered it, Armin obviously knew it and of course Hanji was aware of it. I held my breath counting the seconds someone would find me dead.

"No one can die from just holding his breath." A strange voice sounded behind me.

I turned around and smirked when i saw a girl in my age standing and licking a 'lollipop'. She was shorter than me but it was too hard to realize it. Her long brown hair was up to a kind of pony tail and her eyes were the same colour as her hair. She was wearing a black skirt and a red-black corset with strings on her back. She had black socks up to her knees and her shoes looked like black converse.

"Hi!" She waved and smiled while having her eyes closed. I blinked a couple of times and then took my eyes off her.

"Who are you?" I eventually asked and raised an eyebrow.

"Wow, you're so rude." She said sarcastically and sucked her 'lollipop' happily. "I'm Sasha and you are?"

"Eren."

"Nice to meet you." Sasha smiled and started searching on her handbag while having her 'lolipop' in her mouth. She took another one from her bag and offered me one.

"Um, thanks." I said and took it. I licked some when i realized the way she was looking at me. Impressed, excited, waiting for my reaction. I licked my 'lollipop' once again , letting my tongue taste this weird felling i tasted before. It was sweet at first and then, a bitterly taste was covering my tongue. Suddenly, i started feeling changed, happier like i needed more and more. I sucked it and let a weird noise come from my mouth. I took in a deep breath when i realized it was already finished.

"That was quick. I'm impressed." Said Sasha, having a new 'lollipop' in her mouth.

"What is this? It tastes awesome and i feel, happy." I said full of excitement and exhaled. 

"It's a 'lollipop' that few people know about it. Actually, it's illegal so you mustn't tell anyone. Understood?"

"Why is it illegal?"

"It used to be legal but many people were addicted to it so they decided not to sell it again. However, i had the chance to find someone."

"Someone?"

"Yeah, i found someone at the black market and sold me some. Here." Said Sasha and showed me the inside of her bag, which was full of these 'lollipops'. 

"If they are illegal how could you pass the entrance of the airport? Didn't they spot you?"

"That's right! The good thing with those are that cannot be spotted, because every one thinks they are just 'lollipops'." She said and smiled. "I can give you some but only because i like you." She whispered and filled the pockets of my jackets. 

"Thanks. But what will happen if i run out of them?"

She took a moment to think and then smiled once again. "Give me your phone."  I gave it without hesitating and waited.

"I added myself on your contacts. You can find me whenever you want. I'm going to London as well. But..." She said looking serious this time. "Don't you fucking tell anyone about what i gave you. You can only taste them when you're completely alone. You mustn't offer to anyone. Plus, if police spot you, don't you fucking dare to mention me. I don't exist to you and never existed. You can only call me when you need more but that's it. Understood?" I nodded and swallowed. "If you speak about me, i will come to your house and eat all your food. Fuck. Look at the time. I should go." She said and left.

I got back to my seat and smiled at Petra. She smiled back and blushed.

"Hey, Levi. I'm gay." I said loudly. Hanji and Levi turned around.

All of a sudden, Levi gave me a phone and realized it was my phone. "When did you take it?" I said and started searching for any changes. "What did you do?" i asked and saw Levi's number on my contacts.

"That happens when you don't trust me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea if those kind of drugs exist, seriously. I didn't want to search for it cause it sounded too much. As you see, i'm clean and i never cared about drugs. I know the most important but not every kind.  
> Plus, one of the reasons i wrote them as 'lollipops' is that Eren has no idea that those are drugs. He thinks they're just illegal lollipops.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late uploading, i was a little busy but i made it in time!  
> This chapter is all about Levi. I decided it's important as Eren has no idea about him. Plus, it's some Ereri cute things too, i hope you like it :)  
> Don't forget you can tell your opinion by writting a comment, i'll reply.  
> I can't force you to leave kudos but it means a lot when you do it!  
> Thank you, see ya next Friday, xoxo

Two days after leaving New Jersey behind us, two days living in London. Two days had passed when i first tasted Sasha's 'lollipops'. And i was literally dying. I was feeling more and more tired. Those eight hours of numb sleep weren't enough anymore. I started talking some pills Hanji gave me, they looked like vitamins, but nothing changed. When i realized i almost  _needed_ more 'lollipops'. The thought of taking one, never left me alone, until i decided to take one. Just  _one._

Since i was in the same room with Levi, i had to be extremely careful. I was repeating Sasha's advice inside my head because i really didn't want anyone but mostly Levi to know _. I mustn't offer to anyone. I could only taste them when i was completely alone. I mustn't tell anyone._ Three small sentences but if i disobeyed, my life would be ruined.

"I'm going to buy some cigarettes. Do you want something?" Levi asked while i was lying on my bed. "Y-Yes, i want a packet too." I said politely and smiled. He stared at me for a second and opened the door. By the time he closed the door, i ran to the bathroom and got a 'lollipop' from my pocket. I licked it and took a deep breath. It tasted better than the first time i took one.

Before i noticed it, i had finished it. I looked around and realized i was dizzy and stood still for a second. "What's going on?" I whispered and closed my eyes tightly. 

Suddenly, everything looked fake. Like i was dreaming. The pictures looked fade. It was so weird that i couldn't even breathe. I decided to throw some water to my face so i got in the shower and stood under the falling water.

The water was cold, i could see it. But i couldn't feel it. I slapped my face and decided to kneel. 

I could feel my clothes hugging my skin, as they were wet but that was the last thing I cared about.  I hid my face behind my hands as I had knelt. I almost knew I would die at any given time. “Eren? Have you lost your mind?”Levi’s voice sounded in my dream too. I felt something cold pressing to my body under the water. I felt a hand holding my head. I felt something.  Something I couldn’t describe.

This feeling was familiar. The smell of breakfast my mum was cooking every Saturday morning, the taste of chocolate my dad was buying to me every time we went to the local festival at summer, the arguments between me and Mikasa when we were six years old, that ended to a fight I always lost but I didn’t seem to mind because I loved losing if it was by Mikasa, the warmth of the fireplace and mum’s hugs every time I was afraid of lighting and rain. The feeling of being loved. The feeling that someone cared about you. I had missed this feeling. I had missed those memories, those happy years of my innocent childhood.

“What the fuck are you doing?”Asked Levi. I opened my eyes slowly and saw Levi’s red eyes staring at me scared.

“I’m sorry I upset you. I didn’t want to.” I apologized and smiled. I realized I was still in the shower, lying on Levi’s legs. We were both wet standing under the water speechless.

“What’s wrong?” I eventually asked Levi when I realized he was probably crying.

“What’s wrong? I thought I was going to lose you in the shower. What happened?” Asked Levi and rubbed his eyes.

“I don’t really know what happened. I was feeling weird and wanted to throw some water to my face and I guess I fell down.” I lied. He stared at my wet clothes and bit his bottom lip. I blushed and scratched the back of my head. “Umm.” I let a sign and sat opposite to him. I watched how slimy his lips were and trying to resist as he was looking at his ‘dirty’ clothes. All of a sudden, I kissed him so hard I could almost hear him moaning.

I pushed him and prevented every direction he could use and leave by putting his face between my hands, touching the cold wall. He put his one hand holding the back of my hair and the other one holding my waist. I would never forget how we kissed that day. Angry and hungry like we didn’t care about anything anymore.

“I can’t do that.” Levi said and stopped kissing me immediately.

“But…why? Did I do anything wrong?” I asked and stared at his eyes.

“I’m just selfish. We both know that.” He finished and tried to get up.

“So what? Are you going to leave like you always leave? What else do I have to say to prove you that I love you eh? Tell me.” I said and grabbed his wrist.

“Eren, what you call love, I call it loneliness. I don’t know what love feels like. I don’t know how to love. And I’m not sure if I want to know.” He said and got out of the shower.

“But…I love you. Just because you haven’t loved anyone before, doesn’t mean you don’t want to know.” I said and and followed him. “I know you want to love but you are afraid of getting hurt.” I whispered and kissed his forehead.

“You know nothing about me, so shut the fuck up, okay? I don’t want you to judge me without knowing.” He said and turned around.

“Well, just tell me and I won’t judge.” I said and followed him.

“I don’t want to talk about me.”

“Come on, please, for me?”

He stared at me eyes for almost a minute and said “No. End of story.”

“If you don’t tell me I’ll kill myself.” I said decidedly.

“No, you won’t, no matter what I do, you won’t do it”

“I will, I promise.”

“Fuck you.” He said and lied on his bed.

“Levi, I’ll do everything you want if you tell me about you. Like everything.” I said and sat next to him.

“I want you to teach me how to love.”

“Deal. Now tell me.”

“Okay, so what do you want to know first?”

“I want to know why did you make a band?”

“Why did I make a band huh? Well, it wasn’t a serious decision I took, but I graduated high school with having no clue about later life. I couldn’t afford to go to university and since I had no family left, I decided to play guitar professionally.”

“Wait, where was your family?”

“My parents died in a car accident. I was raised in an orphanage in France. At 18 years old I came to New Jersey with a friend of mine. He said he could find me somewhere to work at his bar. I said yes since I had no life nor money to spare. This is how I started playing guitar at Erwin’s bar. Working on his bar was okay. He was paying as much as I deserved and the apartment I was living in was affordable. Even if I had what I needed to live with, I was empty. I had no friends and Erwin was too good for me. Until one day, he told me he had to fire me because he couldn’t afford the store anymore. This is how my life got ruined. I sold my apartment and lived in the road. I started smoking and doing drugs because I could live just with them, no food, no home, no money. Those last two years I remember myself sleeping with women I didn’t know, hanging out at bars I didn’t know, talking to people I didn’t know. I did everything for money. I was willing to have sex with a girl and when I got paid, I bought drugs and cigarettes immediately. Those last two years, I did everything for drugs. Until I met Hanji. She owned a guitar shop and when I got there to fix my guitar we became friends. After some months we both realized we wanted to make a band. So this is how it started. Petra joined the band after two weeks.”

“A question. What Code 159 means?” I asked and swallowed loudly. I couldn’t believe I had found out so many things about him in such a short period of time.

“That’s something personal. I’ll tell you when you get older.”

“But you-“

A knock on the door cut us mid sentence. “Hey guys? Are you ready for our first practice?” Hanji sounded.

“Oh yeah, I totally forgot about it.  Come on!” Levi said and got up.

“But…wait! We’re wet!” I said and stared at him.

He looked at me impressed as he looked like he had forgotten about it as well.

“Hey, Levi! Thank you. For opening up.” I said and smiled.

“Nah, you’ll tell that when you finish teaching me.” He said and threw at me some towels.

“No need to. I think I had already taught you.”


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea what's wrong with me. I'm thinking of change it to 'Explicit.' What do you think?  
> Anyway, this is something related to ch 56, the latest chapter of the manga of SnK. But it's my version because i'm really hoping Levi and Mikasa are related this way. If you haven't read the ch 56 yet, i'm so sorry about the spoil.
> 
> Since i'm not that busy these days i'm thinking of uploading new chapter sooner than just every Friday, because i want to finish it before May, but i have realized i have plenty of chapters, almost 8 more. Ahh, tiring!
> 
> Please enjoy!<3

“Are you sure that the hotel manager let us use this room?” Petra asked Hanji.

“For the third time, yes!” Answered Hanji.

“Okay! Shut up everyone. This is our first practice before the concert and we have to play 5 songs for today, cause we haven’t left much time. The concert is on two days so please try your hardest. Speaking of which, Eren, follow Hanji’s chords.” Said Levi loudly and took his bass on his hands. “Let’s start with…’Squad 104.’ Ready?” “Yep!” echoed the others.

Hanji started giving us the beat of the song I’ve never heard before and Petra followed.  I obeyed and did the same as Hanji. Levi was whispering something I couldn’t understand and then started playing with the bass. But he kept whispering.

I wondered if those were the seats we would take on stage but quickly changed my mind when I remembered my first concert.  I would never forget the time when I got to RadioHead’s concert. How the members of the band moved on stage and how spectacular they seemed to me as I was only twelve. I could never believe that I would be on their shoes someday.

I took a moment and gazed around. The three of them looked so good, like they knew what they had to do. I was just standing there trying to find the beat staring at Hanji’s hands.  I felt so terribly awful.

I glared at Levi. He was so passionate when he played. He was looking down, his hair on his face, moving his body at an extremely weird way but he looked so hardcore and I wanted to copy him so badly. He was my…idol. I realized I didn’t fit in. They were all dressed in all black, having black eyeliner and I was wearing my black Jeans and scarlet T-shirt. I hated when I compared myself with others but that was something I couldn’t ignore. I just wanted to feel like there was where I belonged. Like, I was one of them.  Like, they were happy when they saw me. I wanted to be as good as them.

Suddenly, Hanji came closer to me and smiled without stop playing. I smiled back and took in  a deep breath. It was really tiring looking at someone’s hands and then trying to copy them at the same time. I was exhausted and we had just started.

Since we were playing only instrumental because we had no microphone, I realized I didn’t have to learn the lyrics and that made me  feel kind of better. Unless,  Levi told me to do the back vocals with Hanji. I wished nothing like that happened.

After finishing four of the songs, we all took a five-minute break. I lied on the floor, heavy breathing, my hands were killing me and I had a terrible headache.

“Get up, brat.” Levi said and drunk some water.  I closed my eyes tightly to realize I almost felt sick.

“Wait a sec.” I said while having my eyes closed.

“No, I won’t. We will not wait for you.” He said and took the bass “One more song.”

“Fine.” I said angrily and got up.

I took my guitar. It was so heavy that I bit my tongue so as not to scream from the pain I was feeling.  _Was I overreacting? Probably._

Levi gave us the signal and started  playing another unknown song for me. This song was faster and had more guitar solos. That was the moment when I knew I couldn’t stand still any more.

I bit my tongue and started  moving around the place so as not to fall from that weird feeling. I lost my vision literally and I couldn’t hear almost anything. Just a beep. It was so loud it almost got on my nerves. When I realized this sound was the sound of a beating heart. But whose heart? My heart? I didn’t know.

When my vision  came back I found myself sitting down on the floor but my hands were still moving. I wondered how. I didn’t know the chords and I wasn’t obviously looking at Hanji’s hands. I just kept playing. I looked around. No one was staring at me so I guessed everything I was doing was okay. I didn’t faint or stop playing.

I got up and took a deep breath when the song was over. “Finally.” I whispered.

“Okay guys, good job. We are going to play three more songs tomorrow. Eren, if you want to play the songs once again you can ask Hanji’s help.” Said Levi and put his bass back in its case.

Hanji and Petra started putting the instruments back on their cases, as well, while I was trying to catch my breath.

“Good night.” Said Hanji happily and left with Petra following her as they were in the same room.

“Good night.” I replied and took my guitar. I thought of going to my room too as I was dying.

“Hey, wait for me.” Said Levi and followed me with quick steps.

We got in the elevator and pressed to the buttom ‘4’ awkwardly. “I’ll go to the shower first.” Levi said quickly.

“Ohh no! Please let me-“

“No way! I said it first”

“Yeah so?”

“So I’ll go to the shower first. This is how adult life work.”

“No this is how middle school works.”

“Still, I’ll take a shower first.”

“Fine. But don’t be late okay?”

“No promises.” Said Levi sarcastically and unlocked the door of our room.

I put my guitar down carefully and lied on my bed. Levi opened his suitcase and took some clothes and towel and then head to the bathroom.

“Think of me.” He said and closed the door behind him.

“Of course I will.” I whispered and checked the screen of my phone. ‘One Missing Call from Armin.’

I decided to call him back when a sound of Levi’s suitcase sounded. I stared at it and then went to see what it was.

I opened his suitcase slowly and  searched under his clothes. I couldn’t find anything that could make this sound when my hands touched something cold. I took it when I realized, it was his phone.

He had a message. _“No, Eren, you can’t read it. This is not your phone, okay? You can't just see the message. You can’t.”_ One part of my mind thought while the other one was dying to find out.

Yes, I did it. I read his message. I read it four times to realize

“Hey Levi, guess who’s coming home tonight. Mikasa. Do you remember her? You may do. She’s the one with the black kind of short hair? The one who is taller than you and she has  beautiful eyes? Yes. She’s coming to stay with us for two days. I know you don’t want me to talk to you again but don’t you want to see your sister after all this time? The weird thing is that she doesn’t remember you. Of course she doesn’t. She was 3 years old when  you left. I know I should have told you that she visited us last year but you were too busy with work and I didn’t want to bother you.  Where are you now, darling? Please come home. Everyone here misses you but you really don’t care do you? No matter if you come back or not, remember that we are going to be here whenever you need us okay? Please take care, Mum.”

“Nothing can suppress a human’s curiosity, am I right?” Levi’s voice sounded.

I knew I did something i shouldn’t have done but I was standing still staring at Levi’s phone with tears in the eyes. “You lied to me.” I said calmly almost whispering.

He grabbed his phone from my hands and read the message. “I told her I don’t want to talk to her ever again!” Said Levi angrily.

“Not only you lied to me, but also you’re sister is Mikas…” I couldn’t finish it. I was crying so hard I couldn’t stop.

Levi knelt and put my head to his shoulder. “Eren, I didn’t lie to you. I just hid most of the truth, okay? Please don’t cry. Want to hear the true story, right? Okay so, when I was 10 years old it was when Mikasa was born. I lived a hard childhood with bullies and depression. When I closed 13, I committed suicide but failed. My mum had enough. She said she couldn’t  handle all this pressure since Mikasa was 3 years old. She gave me to the orphanage in France. I was so mad at her that I decided to kill all the feelings I had left about my family and move on. You know the rest of the story.”

“But, I grew up with Mikasa! We started living together at the age of 9! I knew she was adopted but she is my sister.”

“Here’s the part of the story you don’t know. My dad was killed indeed. Mum’s life was ruined once again. Living with dad and Mikasa was something she always loved. When Mikasa was 8 years old and I was 18, before I went to New Jersey, I killed my father. I didn’t do like you think, I didn’t take a knife and murder him. It was when I started doing drugs. I overdosed and got me to the hospital. When mum and dad found out there was no hope I was going to live, they gave up. Dad had a heart attack as a result to die. When I got out of the hospital, mum accused me of having killed my father. When I asked her about Mikasa, she said she gave it to miss Carla a really sweet woman she was going to keep her for a month until mum would recover from depression. She never recovered. She was got to a psych ward as a result to ruin her family. I knew Mikasa was my sister when I saw her almost recently at her guitar shop. I just didn’t tell her. What was I supposed to say eh? That I’m her lost brother from France, the one who killed our father, the one my mum hated, the one who ruined Mikasa’s life and grew with other family? This is not what it should happen. Sometimes I regret everything. Like everything. “ He finished and took a deep breath sadly.

“Your mum said Mikasa was going to stay there for two days and that she visited her last year. She found her biological mother?”

“Yes, me and Mikasa were both informed that mum was fully recovered and that she got out of the psych ward. Mikasa  visited her because she wanted to know.”

“We must tell her.”

“No, we mustn’t. Besides, she will find out soon, just be patient, okay?”

“If she finds out, does that mean you and me are siblings?” I said swallowing loudly.

“It depends.”

“On what?”

“If you want to be siblings then I can’t refuse.”

“But I don’t want to. I love yo- I mean it’s good just the way we are, right?”

“I suppose so.” Levi said and bit his lip. I wiped my cheeks and realized that Levi was shirtless.

“Dahh! Put this on.” I said awkwardly and threw at him a shirt.

“Why?”

“You’ll c-catch a cold, silly.” I said blushing and got up. “My turn.” I said and head to the bathroom.

“Hey, Eren!” He said and followed me. “Can I come with you?”

“W-what?W-why would you do that?” I said awkwardly.

“Just. Please?”

“I don’t know, it’s kind of awkward?”

“Oh, okay then.” He said and turned around.

“No! You can come If you want to.”

“I know.” Said Levi and followed me.

We both got in the bathroom and stared at each other. I swallowed loudly , words trying to come out. Suddenly, Levi pressed his lips to mine and grabbed my ass.

“Levi…” I whispered and bit my lip. He pushed away slowly and waited. “What?” I asked while blushing.

“Don’t you want to take a shower?”

“Yeah.”

“So…? Will you?”

“I think so. Just give me a sec.” I said and bit my lip. I took off my shirt and then my jeans , staying just with my sweatpants.

“No.” I said and got in the bath tub and pulled the curtain.

“Let me in.”

“No way, leave me alone.”

“Eren!”

“Just go and do something else, I’m busy.” I said and took off my underwear. All of a sudden, Levi pulled the curtain and got in naked. “Oh my God, what the hell are you doing?” I said loudly and  hid my face behind my hands.

“But you said I can come in.”

“No, I didn’t! Get out.” I said with closed eyes.

Levi grabbed my wrist and kissed me hardly. “Are you drunk?” I asked having my eyes still closed.

“No.” He replied and kissed me once again.

“Liar.”

“What did you say?” Asked Levi and sucked my neck.

“Oh my God, no! Stop, it’s awkward!”

“Stop being so shy like oh my God!” Said Levi loudly and pulled me closer. “Aren’t we supposed to take a shower?”

“Yes, but you’re not letting me.” I whispered and kissed him.

“Hmm, I see.” Said Levi and opened the tap. 

“Levi?”

“What?”

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Eren.”


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit earlier i know, but i had plenty of free time so why not? I want to let you know that i changed the end once again because i realized how disappointing it was. So the end is happy, yay :)  
> If you haven't realized the fan fiction has almost two chapters left until the very end. I'm sorry, but i have to finish it before May. Don't worry, though, i'm not doing it quickly. I'm doing as careful as i can.
> 
> Okay so enjoy xxx

It was one day before the concert when I decided to explore London completely alone. Since we had finished our practice, I decided to walk and maybe buy some cigarettes as I had finished all those ‘lollipops’ and I was scared to call Sasha.

“I would like a packet of Marboro, please.” I said politely to the owner of the little shop, trying to speak with English accent.

“You Americans!” Said the man angrily and gave me the packet.

“Basically I don’t want them any more, I’ll buy from somewhere else who accepts Americans. Thank you so much!” I said sarcastically and turned around.

“Wait young man! I’m sorry, I have no problem with Americans! Please take your cigarettes!” Replied the man scared. “I don’t have many customers lately and I don’t want to lose you. It’s five dollars for you.” He said and smiled.

“I see. Thank you. Have a nice day.” I said and took them after I had paid.

“Take care!”

I pushed the door, listening to the annoying bell which was placed on top of the door and put a cigarette between my lips. Before I had the chance to light it, a woman grabbed my hand as a result to stop immediately. She stared at me for a couple of seconds and eventually asked “Where a handsome man like you is going?” She was at the same height as me, she had long blonde hair and blue eyes. Her make-up was a little bit of too much as she was wearing her eyeliner and blue eyeshadow with red lipstick. She was wearing a very short black skirt and a black corset and high heels that made me realize she was way older than me.

“It doesn’t concern you.” I said calmly and pulled my hand.

“Well, I think it does. Come with me.” She said. She pulled my hand quickly and started walking. “I have something special for you!” As she was almost running and holding my hand tightly, we went to a lonely street.

“I’m not interested in your-“ Her lips pressed to mine and cut me mid sentence. I felt her hand touching mine and then something getting into my skin. I pushed her away quickly “What the hell are you doing?” I asked and realized she was holding a syringe into my skin.

“It will make you feel better, I promise.” She said and put some pills in my jacket. “Sasha sent me here, she wanted me to give you those.”

“But-but those are drugs!!” I said trying to hold back my tears.

“Of course! Those ‘lollipops’ she gave you were drugs too. I suppose she didn’t tell you.” She said and started laughing.

“And why did you kiss me, you whore!” I said and wiped my lips angrily.

“Oh yeah, that’s because I couldn’t resist.” She laughed sarcastically. “By the way, take my card.” By a quick move of her hand, she gave me her card.

“I won’t need this.”

“Yes you will. I’m certain you will. Call me when you feel lonely, okay?” She said still laughing and lost through the darkness.

I put the card in my pocket and checked my phone’s screen. ‘One Missing Call from Armin’. I had totally forgotten to call him yesterday and now he called me once again reminding me I had to call him back. I decided to go back to the hotel and get some rest because I would be awful tomorrow. Tomorrow was the day when my dream would come true. The day when I would prove Mikasa that she was wrong. The day I had been waiting for so long.

*

“There he is!” Hanji screamed when she saw me entering my room. The three of them were sitting on the floor, where no one could see because it was full of clothes everywhere.

I saw Hanji smiling to me almost proudly, Petra holding a pair of black shoes in her hands and Levi looking annoyed by the girls who had covered our room with girly clothes.

“Eren, come with us! We are getting ready for tomorrow.” Said Petra happily and invited me by a move of her head.

I closed the door behind me and sat next to Hanji who was now searching for something in her back.

“Taaraa!” Echoed Hanji and showed some make-up products.

“What about those?” I asked and raised an eyebrow.

“You will wear make-up too, silly!” Said Hanji and threw everything down on the floor on the top of some leather pants.

“No! Don’t put those on my pants!” Said Levi loudly.

“Shh.” Said Hanji with closed eyes.

“So, before the make-up, Eren, let us find you some cool clothes.” Petra said happily and took some of Levi’s shirts.

“Why does he have to wear my shirts?”

Petra blinked annoyed a couple of times and then kept searching for the appropriate shirt.

“There it is.” She said and showed me a Misfits shirt.

“That’s one of my favorites.” Whispered Levi making sure Petra didn’t hear him.

Hanji showed me a pair of back and extremely skinny jeans and smiled proudly. “Go wear them and then come outside to see you.” Finished Hanji and threw to me the clothes.

“Um...okay.” I said and got to the bathroom.

I closed the door behind me and looked myself in the mirror. One word could describe me that moment. Ugly. I felt ugly. I took a deep breath and realized how happy I was feeling even when I felt ugly. I smiled and took off my shirt. I wore Misfits shirt, trying to ignore the fact that it was colder even than Levi’s soul. The thought of that made me laugh quietly.

One second later, I took off my pants and  tried to put on Levis’. I couldn’t fit in. I took a breath of tiredness and looked around, ignoring the fact that I was dizzy. “Fuck!” I said angrily and pulled up until my hands hurt from the move. I closed my eyes tightly, feeling them burning and gazed around. I took it off easily and opened the door without coming out. “Um…guys? I can’t fit in the jeans.” I said holding back my laughter.

“Really?! Wait a second…” I heard Hanji and then started whispering something until I heard Levi calling her names annoyed. Heavy footsteps coming closer to me until someone pushed the door that brought me back to reality. When I saw Levi looking at me with an eyebrow being raised, I blushed and tried to hide my embarrassment by hiding my face behind my hand.

“What’s the matter?” Levi asked.

“Just…not the right size.” I said and gave him his jeans back.

“It is the right size because it’s too big for me.”

“It’s too tight!”

“Yeah, that’s the point with skinny jeans. You know nothing about fashion. Wear it!”

“But…okay.” I said and tried to put it on once again but still stuck at the same spot as before. “See?”

“Come here!” Levi said loudly and came closer. By a quick move of his hands, he pulled my jeans up as a result to eventually fit in. “Your welcome.”

“How can you wear this shit? I can’t breathe!” I said and leaned on where I have put my clothes. All of a sudden, my jacket fell down, spilling the pills out. “Fuck!!” I almost screamed and  tried to pick them up before Levi noticed them. Suddenly, I felt Levi’s hand holding my wrist tightly, making me stop immediately.

“Eren…”

“What?”

“What are those pills?” Asked Levi staring at my eyes while I was trying to avoid eye contact.

“I had a headache this morning and got and bought them, nothing much.” I said quietly almost whispering, trying to hold back my tears.

“Who are you trying to fool with those lies, Eren?” Asked Levi while a tear came down his cheek.  “How many of those did you get?”

“I didn’t get any! I swear!”

“Where did you find them?”

“A whore gave me when I got to buy cigarettes but I promise I didn’t get any!”

He let my wrist go and then checked my arm until he saw the mark of the syringe.  “Eren…you…”

“No.” I said and put him in my hug, holding him tightly, leaning his head on my shoulder while he was crying.

“I don’t want to get through this again. I don’t want to. I’m sick of it. Why did you do this? Didn’t I give you what you wanted? Didn’t you make your dream come true? Isn’t that enough for you?” He asked calmly.

“Levi, this has nothing to do with you. I just hate myself. Whatever that has to do with me, I hate it. I can’t find a reason to keep fighting for. I can’t see the bright side that everyone is talking about. I don’t even know how to comfort myself anymore. Sometimes I want to give up. Sometimes suicide is the only solution. But you were always there. Looking at me with those expressive eyes no one can’t see but I do. I do see them. I’m trying to find your words looking at your emptiness, telling me that suicide is for the weak. Then, I’m waiting for a while. Other times I feel happy, but I know I’m not. Other times I stand still trying to see things with a beautiful way, but I can’t. Because there is no beautiful way. Not for me. Nobody is looking out for me. Nothing is getting any better. No one is there. No one. I’m just tired of being sad. Tired of everything. I want to stop thinking for a while because by thinking I make things even worse. I need a new addiction what will be an interaction at the same  time.”

“Having drugs as an interaction will not make things better. Hurting yourself isn’t an interaction. Find something else to be addicted to. Not those things, Eren, you’re still a kid.”

“Well, then, can I be addicted to you?”

*

_One-five-nine. One-five-nine. One-five-nine._

15 minutes before the concert.

“Eren, stand still! How am I supposed to put your make-up on when you’re moving like this?” Levi screamed holding his eyeliner while my eye was crying.

“I’m sorry but I can’t stop, it hurts!” I screamed and rubbed my eye.

“Stop rubbing it for God’s sake!!” Screamed Levi.

“Just don’t do it.” I said trying to open my eyes.

“No way! Just be patient until I finish!” Said Levi and sat on my lap, holding my chin. “Stay still!” He screamed once again and started putting my eyeliner on.

I bit my lip while my eyes were closed, burning from my tears. “Are you done already?”  I asked when Levi told me to open my eyes.

“Yes!”   
“Hey, Levi! Are you mad?”  
“What for?”

“For what I said yesterday. I feel like you hate me.”

“I’m still disappointed. I feel like I’m wasting my time talking to you.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

“Hey Levi!” Petra approached us and smiled. “I brought your piercings.” She said and gave him two little rings.

“Thank you.” Said Levi and took them. He put them on -they looked like spider bite piercings-  and then bit his lip.

“Wow, you look perfect! Why weren’t you wearing them this whole time?”

“Because they were preventing me.”

“From what?”

“From kissing you.” He said and kissed me with passion since Petra had left. After a moment, he got up and gazed around. “Let’s get ready now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Levi's piercings are called 'spider bite', indeed as they look like it. You can see an example picture here http://webspeakmedia.us/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/dahlia-bites-and-angel-bites-h9fisodt.jpg  
> (Levi's piercings are most similar to the ones on the third picture)
> 
> Just wanted you to know ^-^


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry i uploaded this late but i was really busy with university and stuff like that and i didn't have enough time. Even though i uploaded i'm still anxious because i don't know if i can finish it before May.
> 
> Anyway, i wrote this because i'm having many panic attacks lately and this came out. It may be triggering, i don't know.  
> I would also thank you for encouraging me to keep writing it because it would stop if none of you didn't leave kudos! So thank you for that :)

It was time to get on stage when I realized I wasn’t ready. I didn’t know the songs and I didn’t know how to move. I wanted to tell to Hanji that I shouldn’t play at this concert but I didn’t want to look weak. Not this time.

“Two minutes.”

Suddenly, my hands started shaking and I felt dizzy. I wanted to throw up when I remembered those pills I was given. I knew I had promised Levi I wouldn’t get any but it was good for the concert so he would understand. I got one from my pocket and put it on my mouth. I started licking it quietly.

“Oh my God!! Are you Eren? I can’t believe I’m meeting you for the first time!! Can we take a picture together??” A girl started screaming happily in  front of me, wearing a shirt of our band and holding her phone.

“Oh, hi. Of course.” I said and smiled.

The girl stood next to me and took a picture. “Thank you!! Could I hug you before I leave?” She asked politely.

“Sure.” I said and hugged her.

“Eren, are you ready?” Levi approached us and looked at the girl. I nodded and smiled. “You must really have wanted to see him to sneak in here.”

 “I just…” The girl said and blushed. “You’re my favorite band and he’s a new member so…”

“Go back to your seat, then. The concert is starting.” Said Levi.

“I don’t…have a ticket.” Confessed the girl sadly.

“What’s your name?” Asked Levi.

“Tiffany.” Said the girl and wiped her cheek.

“Well then, Tiffany, today is your lucky day.” Said Levi and offered her a ticket.

“Oh my god! Thank you so much!” She said happily and hugged him.

*

“I’m so excited, I can’t even breathe!” Sang Hanji and gave me my guitar. “How do you feel?”

“Kind of dizzy. I want to throw up.”

“No! Don’t worry! You’re just anxious, it’s nothing to worry about.” Replied Petra and smiled proudly.

Levi whistled and took a deep breath reminding us that it was time. I swallowed loudly and followed Petra to the stage. Those steps I was taking looked like they would last forever. Those breaths I was breathing were endless. Those thoughts of trying to focus were annoying.

One-five-nine. One-five-nine. One-five-nine.

A hundred of teenagers were surrounding us screaming those three words like they meant everything to them. They looked so hopeless, like their reason of living was just the music. Their reason of still being alive was…us.

“How is it going, London?” Asked Levi on his microphone making all of them scream. “I’m glad we could actually make it here and I’m also glad I could stand face to face with you and discuss how we feel, because I know we all feel the same, right? Okay, I won’t talk a lot because I’m boring so I’ll let our songs talk for me.” He finished and by a quick move of his hand he started playing giving us the signal.

_You’re one of God’s mistakes…_

_You crying, tragic waste of skin…_

_I’m well aware of how it aches…_

_And you still won’t let me in…_

Started singing Levi and moving as he was in our practice. I was still dizzy and prayed for the pill to work as I was walking around the stage.

_Now I’m breaking down your door…_

_To try and save your swollen face…_

_Though I don’t like you anymore…_

_You lying, trying waste of space…_

As the the guitar was getting more melodic in this part my head started moving and my hair were getting upside-down, trying to ignore the fact that I was dizzy and I didn’t know what the hell I was doing.

_Before our innocence was lost…_

_You were always one of those…_

_Blessed with lucky sevens…_

_And the voice that make me cry…_

_My oh my_

I suddenly stopped moving my head and walking around the stage, feeling even more dizzy and realizing the fact that the pill didn’t work.

_You were mother nature’s son…_

_Someone to whom I could relate…_

_Your needle and your damage done…_

_Remains a sordid twist of fate…_

As Levi was singing and playing the bass, my body suddenly approached him and lied on his feet , he noticed me but couldn’t say anything as he was singing and raised his eyebrow to the usual expression of Levi what-the-fuck-are-you-doing. I bit my lip but my hips were hurting me and I couldn’t get up so I decided to stay there for a while, kept playing the guitar.

_Now I’m trying to wake you up…_

_To pull you from the liquid sky…_

_Coz if I don’t we’ll both end up…_

_With just your song to say goodbye…_

_My oh my…_

Hanji stared at me and whispered to get up quickly because Levi would probably kill me in the end. The truth was I wasn’t afraid at all. I giggled and got up still playing my guitar and got to my position.

_…a song to say…_

_Before our innocence was lost…_

_You were always one of those…_

_Blessed with lucky sevens…_

_And the voice that make me cry…_

_It’s a song to say goodbye._

I took a deep breath when I realized the song was over and smiled when Levi looked at me confused and scared at the same time but couldn’t realize why he looked scared.

“The next song is called ‘Commercial for Levi.’ Ironic huh?” Said Hanji to her microphone to save us from the awkwardness. Then was the time when I realized, Levi was going to kill me. I bit my lip and whispered ‘sorry’ to Levi who read my lips and turned around.

*

After all those songs, I didn’t do anything weird on stage, we finally finished. But I didn’t want to finish before my end was coming sooner and sooner.

“Thank you all so much for coming, guys!! I’ll see you all in hell.” Were Levi’s last words.

When we started packing, I realized my make-up had almost disappeared and threw some water at my face, since I was still dizzy.

“What the fuck was that?” Asked Levi as calmly as always.

“Before you say anything, I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t know what was wrong with me. Please don’t kill me!” I begged him and bit my lip.

“I wasn’t going to kill you, well not before we go back to New Jersey, but what was that?” He said and took off his piercings.

“No, don’t take them off, you’re hot whe-“ I stopped myself immediately and took my guitar.

“What is going on with you lately?”

“N-nothing, I just need to call Armin.” I said and run to the bathroom.

I locked the door behind me and leaned on the wall. I could hardly breathe or see or even say anything. My heart was beating so loudly that I could almost hear her tiredness. A shudder of chills sent down to my spine that made my whole body stay still. What was going on with me? I was feeling so good earlier and now, I felt like was going to die.

I tried to breathe but something was squeezing my throat and didn’t let anything come out. I held my body but still couldn’t feel my touch. I was thinking, but was I thinking out loud? I couldn’t hear myself either my mind. I had lost it. I had totally lost my mind.

Eren…wake up…please…

Those thoughts of mine were back. Those voices were still talking to me. I thought they had left me. But I guess they were the only one who tried to wake me up. Ahh…feels nice. This smell is nice. Mum…is that you? Are you cooking so early in the morning? And what’s that light over there? Is that dad? Ohh… how I missed him. Wait a second, where’s Mikasa. I can’t find her in her room but where is she? Who is that lady standing in front of the mirror? And why does she look like me? Mum…I’m afraid. I’m afraid of this world. Don’t leave me. Not again. I can’t hold back my tears, not this time. Mummy, I’m weak. Mummy…where is she?

Suddenly, a terrible headache hit me so hardly that I lost mum. I lost everything. “No.” I whispered with tears in the eyes.

A long flashback hit me after my headache. It was me. I could see myself from someone else’s eyes. I was standing there, talking with a girl. But this girl looked mean. She was holding a knife, but it was hidden behind her back. The other me couldn’t see it. “Eren!!!” I screamed when I saw the girl putting the knife in Eren’s heart. The other me felt down. The other me was bleeding. The other me was dead. The other me…no, not the other me…the real me.

I felt so much pain in my heart that I couldn’t get up or see. I slapped my face so hardly but still couldn’t feel. “Levi!” I screamed and started whispering. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry! Please wake me up, please, take the pain away from me before I die.” I whispered with tears in the eyes. He was there. Levi was there. I could feel it. “Levi, please, forgive me.”

Suddenly, I opened my eyes and saw Levi holding me tightly with tears in the eyes. “Levi, thank you. Thank you so much!” I whispered and hugged him while some tears kept falling from my cheek. “Those voices are bad. I could hear them for a long time but I never waited to see what it was and now I saw it. I saw how terrible they were. Please don’t leave me, ever again. Promise.”

“I promise.”

“Promise me you’ll always be by my side because I don’t want to see that again. Whatever it meant I don’t want to see it.”

“I promise, Eren, I’ll be there for you, no matter what, okay?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This song isn't mine, it's 'A song to say goodbye' by Placebo and of course the 'Commercial for Levi' by Placebo as well. Go listen to them, they're awesome!


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since i couldn't finish it before May, i uploaded late because i'm extremely busy these days.  
> Anyway, this is LEVI'S POV!!!
> 
> I have only one chapter left and i'll upload it next Friday, i hope so. 
> 
> Follow me on instagram if you want to know more about the fanfiction or when i upload the LAST CHAPTER @rivaille_squad104

_Levi._

I took a deep breath when we got out of the airport. It used to smell like home. However, it smelled different. It smelled like the first time I moved to New Jersey, a memory I was hoping to forget soon.

“Ahhh! We’re finally home!” Sang Hanji and raised her arms up high.

“Can’t wait to lay on my own bed.” Said Petra happily.

I glared at Eren, who was now searching for something at his handbag. I wondered if he was still doing drugs but when I saw him lighting a cigarette, I said to myself there was nothing to worry about. The sound of my phone ringing, made me freeze. I gazed around when I realized that the three of them had stopped talking and were now staring at me.

I let a sigh and checked my phone screen which was still ringing. ‘Unknown’.

“Yes?”

“Erm…hi. It’s Levi, isn’t it?” The girl in my phone said awkwardly.

“I am. Who is calling?”

“It’s…it…doesn’t really matter.  I just wanted to ask you something.”

“What is it?”

“Will you go back home?”

“Back home?”

“France?”

“I wasn’t going to. In fact, I was there a week ago. We performed there.”

“Okay, Ms Ackerman is coming to New Jersey.”

“What? How did you know?”

“She called me yesterday since you weren’t picking it up. She wants to see us. I’m scared.”

“Look, Mikasa, would you like me to come from your house tonight? I want to talk to you.”

“I know about my childhood, okay? You don’t need to explain anything.”

“It’s not about that.”  


“Okay, then, you can come if you want to.” Mikasa finished and closed the phone.

I put my phone back to my pocket and kept walking when I saw Eren’s huge eyes staring at me.

“Why do you want to talk to Mikasa? And why does Mikasa know your phone number?” Asked Eren and held my arm.

“Okay guys, see ya later bye!” Said Hanji and Petra when we left them at their home. I glared at Eren who was now annoyed because I ignored his questions and kept walking.

“I thought you didn’t care about your family.” Whispered Eren and looked down. I took a cigarette and put it between my lips. I lit it and then let a deep breath.

“Hey Levi.” Eren said after 10 minutes.

“No.”

“I want to get a tattoo.” Said Eren decidly.

“Really?”

“Yeah, I want to get one before you do.”

“Too late, kid.” I said and remembered my tattoo experience.

“What? You have a tattoo?”

“I do.” I said.

“Show me!!” Said Eren happily.

“I have to take off my pants, you know.”

“Ah, where do you have it?” Asked Eren awkwardly.

“Not to where you think. Nor to where you want it to be.” I said and made him blush.

*

As we arrived to Eren and Mikasa’s home I swallowed loudly and took a deep breath. I knew I had came across with Mikasa at her guitar shop but to be honest the last time I saw her as my sister was years ago and I didn’t know how she would react. Nor how I was going to react.

Eren unlocked the door and held it for me. I thanked him by a move of my head and closed it behind me. It was dark but warm. It was like how a home was supposed to be. A home with homeless people in it.

“Mikasa?” Eren said loudly and gazed around. Suddenly, a light in the kitchen made us follow it without talking, because we were afraid of darkness. Afraid of those walls that were surrounding us.

When we got to the kitchen, Mikasa widened her eyes and run to Eren’s arms. “How was your tour? I want to know everything, you’ll give me a full description later. I’ll make some coffee.” She said when she realized I was there.

“I drink my coffee sweet enough.” I said quietly almost whispering. Eren offered me a seat around the wooden table next to him and sat promising to myself I wouldn’t be the one who would talk first.

After two minutes without talking, Mikasa gave me my cup and sat as well. “So, how was Europe?” Asked Mikasa.

“Come on, no one cares about that at a time like this. Plus, Levi isn’t here for that, so let’s not waste his time. I know I shouldn’t be a part of this but I don’t see any progress between your relationship.” Said Eren, as the three of us knew he was right, me and Mikasa just kept silent.

“Eren, the reason I’m here isn’t about Mikasa’s childhood either her mum. I know I shouldn’t be doing this and I hope you forgive me one day, but, Mikasa must know about you.” I said and bit my lip.

“No! She doesn’t need to know!” Eren said when he realized  what I was talking about.

“Eren, what is he talking about?” Mikasa wondered.

“Nothing! He’s stupid, that’s all!” Said Eren angrily.

“He’s doing drugs.” I admitted “I’m sorry, Eren, but she’s your sister.”

“She is not my sister! She used to be but you stole her from me. It doesn’t matter who cares or not about me because what I know is that the only one who was there for me when I had no family nor friends was Mikasa. But who cares anymore. She’s gone too! And it’s all your fault, Levi. Because if you weren’t there I would have lived a happy life those two months! Those fucking two months when you used me! I have a talent at playing guitar and I swear to God I would have been famous if you had helped me. That’s the only reason I joined the band! I just want to fucking be famous! I just want to be needed! But you were the one who ruined everything! I trusted you and loved you more than anyone but you never respected me the way I wanted! What the fuck is wrong with all of you? Why is everyone trying to hurt me? Just tell me what I’m doing wrong and I’ll leave you alone forever! I just want everything to be back in normal. I have imagined such a happy life for all of us, but no one gives a fuck.” Eren screamed angrily with tears in the eyes and run upstairs.

I glared at Mikasa who was now crying quietly. “Mikasa, I’ll go back home, okay?”

“Back home?” She asked and wiped her eyes with a tissue.

“France.”

“You will?”

“I have no choice. I’ll leave because I have caused a mess.”

*

I knocked on Eren’s door after two hours. “Leave me alone.” Said Eren loudly.

“Eren, I need to talk to you.”

“I don’t care.”

“Me neither.” I said calmly and opened the door. I saw Eren sitting on his bed. His eyes were red and some tears had been falling from his cheeks but he wiped them immediately.

“What do you want?” Asked Eren and turned around.

“I came to say goodbye and apologize.” I said and closed the door behind me. I sat next to him and held his hand. “Yes, that’s me running away after I have caused mess. Nothing different. I’m going back to France.”

“I’ll come with you!” Said Eren and hugged me tightly.

“I’m afraid you can’t. I have ruined your life as you said so if you follow me, your life will be completely fucked up.”

“It’s already fucked up. You still don’t understand how painful it Is for me.” Said Eren.

“Painful? This is not the Eren I met months ago. This is not the Eren I trusted and loved. I did everything to make you happy, I let you join the band even when you knew it was too hard for me. But I just let you to, because I knew it was your dream and I couldn’t ruin it. You’re just a kid. I would never believe that the one who saved me from depression and anxiety would turn out to be the reason I ‘died’. The reason my life is discarded. Fame, drugs and women ruined you, Eren. I’m sorry for ruining your life. It was all my fault. I can never forgive myself for doing this. It’s on your own now. Eren. I quit. I quit everything. My band, my love even my life. I took my decision and I know I won’t regret it. I wouldn’t care if I had ruined my life, but as long as it’s about you, you have every right to know that this is not your fault and don’t regret. Because all I can see now is just a loaded gun. Eren, please listen to me. Take this and do what I will say, okay? Don’t forget I love you, even all those mistakes of yours, I never stopped loving you. Because you were the one who taught me how to feel. And thank you for that, my life is much better now. Eren, listen to me carefully. I love you. I really do. Never forget that.”

"Levi, why did you give me this?"

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter is small but I didn't want Levi to be the writter, sick i know but come on! And yeah i just uploaded the   
> 'Major Character death' oops, i'm so so sorry, but i changed the end! I hope you forgive me one day.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally uploaded the last chapter. Yeah, I won't say anything, just a lovely good bye.

_Two weeks after..._

The brunette boy knelt down to the grave. Pale face, red eyes and the smell of giving up. He had lost the war. He had given up. "Levi, I promise you, I won't let you down...don't worry...I'll come with you...I love you...never forget that..." He whispered and smiled proudly. He was broken. He was dead inside. After Levi's suicide, Eren was with him.

"Eren...it's time to go." Said Mikasa with tears in the eyes.

The brunette hugged his sister and went to the car speechless. His sister started driving after a while and the boy had focused on how the flowers out of the window were dancing to the melody of the wind. The world was ugly without him.

"Eren, since when have you stopped writing to your diary?" Mikasa broke the silence.

"Since when i didn't have things to write, things to be anxious about or look forward to it." Eren replied and froze to the outside world. "My life is so empty without him." Whispered the boy and held back his tears.

_" Dear diary,_

_I decided to write again. My life is getting worse each day. I think this is the last time I'm writing. Where is he? Where is he. I'm searching for him wherever I go. I can hear his voice calling me. I can feel his skin against_ _mine. I can see his expressive eyes staring at me. But he's never there._

_I can't do this anymore. I have to stop lying to myself. I am not okay. I am not okay. Mum, I am not okay. I'm sick of this ugliness. I want to forgive myself but I can't. Because it's all my fault..."_

The boy hugged his pillow and cried. Thinking of the best way to kill himself. If Levi weren't here, Eren would follow him through the darkness. He was dead anyway...

 

He spent two whole hours thinking of a way to escape reality, to disappear. What had happened those last weeks? It was the answer he was afraid to answer. Eren couldn't remember anything. By the night he fell asleep until the morning he woke up, Levi was gone. He was certain that his life was turned out to be an illusion, a bad dream. Was he sleepwalking?

He bit his hand until it started bleeding. He screamed until he couldn't feel anything. But still. The thoughts of being in a dream were still there.

_I was alone...falling free...trying my best not to forget..._

He started singing silently, ignoring the world outside, ignoring the fact that he was alive, because he could breathe, he could feel, eat or sleep. But he'd rather die than staying in this living hell.

"Levi, are you dead? Or are you avoiding me?" Eren wondered if for a strange reason Levi didn't want to talk to him. He started laughing and then took a breath of relief. "I knew you weren't dead. I can see you behind the door." He said happily since he had noticed a shadow staring at him behind the door. 

The brunette run to the door and opened it happily, ready to face Levi. But the only thing he could see were those huge blue supporting eyes of Armin.

"Hi Armin. Do you know where Levi went? I'm sure he got that way!" Continued Eren and pointed at the empty hallway. 

"Eren, I'm afraid Levi left." Replied Armin sadly since he knew the whole situation.

"Where did he go? I want to see him!" Asked Eren proudly. "Wait! I'll call him!" Finished Eren and called Levi's number as it never stopped sounding those annoying beeps.

"Hey Levi! It's me. Where are you exactly? I need to talk to you." 

_beep...beep...beep...beep..._

"He's busy, I'll call him later." Giggled Eren and hugged Armin. 

"Eren, have you lost your mind?"Asked Armin as he was scared of Eren's reaction.

"I'm perfect! Don't you see? It's my dream so I can do whatever I want." Said Eren happily.

"Eren, Levi's dead. It's over."

"Yeah, that's what I thought. Isn't he a great actor? Mhm, we should perform together!" Eren took a deep breath and then suddenly, tears started falling. 

"Eren..." Said Armin and hugged him.

All of a sudden Eren started laughing. "I'm a perfect actor. But still Levi is better than me. Don't you think he should teach me? How cool would that be?"

_Eren wake up...you must wake up..._

"Well hello there! Can you hear them Armin? Can you hear those voices?"

The blond gazed around and tried to find something that would calm Eren down. As his blue eyes saw that 'something' he was looking for, he took and whispered. "Eren, I don't want to hurt you okay? It's for your own good. I hope you forgive me one day." With a quick move, Armin unhid the knife he was holding behind his back and pushed at the brunette's heart.

"Eren!!!" A familiar voice sounded. Eren gazed around only to see another Eren crying and screaming his name. Why did it look familiar? Why did the whole scene was played before?

*

"Hey kid." Eren opened his eyes to the sound of this voice. "Are you okay?"

"L-Levi..." Eren hugged Levi tightly and didn't let go. "Levi...how?"

"Shh. I came to talk to you. Look, the world is cruel out there. Same as your life. However you have two choices and you better pick one as soon as possible." Eren nodded silently. "The first choice you have is, to stay in this living hell as you did all those years. The second choice. Wake the fuck up!"

 "Wake the fuck up? But I'm not sleeping."

"Yes you are."

"Fine, if I pick the second one, what am I going to do? It won't change anything."

"When you wake up, you must search for me."

 "How?"

"Code 159."

*

"Eren...wake up..." A woman sounded. I opened my eyes slowly, trying to ignore the brightness of what was surrounding me. A young woman smiled proudly and offered me a glass of water. I drunk and looked at the nurse. "You have been sleeping for three days."

"Where am I?" I whispered and touched my head as it was hurting.

"You're still at the hospital silly." The nurse smiled and walked to the door. "Try to get up, okay?"

I sat up and looked out of the window. The only thing I could see was the rest of the hospital, as my room was opposite to some other rooms. I took my notebook and pencil from the shelf and took a deep breath. After a while, I had drew the view i wanted to see. 

"Code 159." I whispered and got up. I opened my door and checked the number of my room. 143. I had to take the stairs. I went upstairs and started walking until the number 159 was there.

 I knocked the door while I was shaking. "Come in." I opened the door slowly, only to see Levi lying on his bed. 

"H-Hi, Levi?" I said and went closer as  I had closed the door behind me.

"Where have you been this days? I thought you died." Asked Levi and tried to sat up as he looked very sick.

"I was dreaming." I explained.

"That's a lie. We're dreaming 4 seconds before we wake up."

"It's not a lie, I was dreaming about you and I wanted to slow it down." I said and sat on the chair next to his bed.

 "Anyway, tell me what's in the outside world." He said and showed me the window.

"Okay..." I said and went to the window only to face the same view. "Umm...i don't think i coul-"

"Describe me what you see."

"Okay then." I said and bit my lip. "I can see trees, many trees surrounding the area. A fountain is in the middle of that huge circle. Some kids are running happily and hidding behind the trees. Other kids are eating ice cream and enjoying the sun. I can see an old man sitting on a bench hugging a black cat. Two mothers are talking, probably about the weather because they're glaring at the sky. A young lady is playing with a dog, probably hers. And then, what is that? Oh, that's right. It's a little girl sitting alone, enjoying the breeze on her own because nobody wants to play with her as she's sick. Yes, that's right. She is suffering from cancer. Like you. Levi... I love you." I said and turned around to see Levi. He smiled proudly at me and then closed his eyes. He had seen enough. That's what he always wanted. To see the outside world. 

_But Levi, if you wanted to see out of the window for so long, why didn't you tell me earlier? What were you waiting for?_

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry something went wrong to my WiFi and updated the half of it. But i upload it all now.


End file.
